LOVE HURTS
Today I realized that the longer I stayed with Sanctuary, the more I got involved, the more involved things will get. I know that to love someone means to love until it hurts but God was never so obvious in challenging me with this until tonight.
I spent time with M**** today. It was very different from last week. No mischievous gleam in his eye, no friendly banter. I felt as though he was so tired, he wasn’t going to put up a front; as though he was saying “this is how I am, this is how it is”.
His arm and hand was horribly swollen, as if someone decided to pump a jugful of water. The doctors don’t know what’s wrong yet but they’re giving him a buffet of things to take. I could see marks on his hand where the skin was being stretched beyond what it’s used to. It’s me Vanessa. Will you still love me when I’m disfigured?
He didn’t bother hiding his beer from me, just tucking it out of sight from anyone who may complain about his consumption in public. He also began to share with me his drinking habits. It’s me Vanessa. Will you still love me when I’m deliberately doing things to destroy myself?
His breath smelled of alcohol. His teeth was worst than last time. His clothes seemed more soiled. He brought me back to his place, and the stench of bleach attempting to mask other odors overwhelmed me. He told me of how the carpet was infested with mites and of the sounds you hear when you squish one. It’s me Vanessa. Will you still love me when I am dirty?
We sat on a bench. I noticed for the first time that his nose was runny, dripping onto his vest. His jean shorts had holes. His shoes where beyond worn. Socks that he only wore for 3 hrs were black on the sole. He took them off and went barefoot. I felt like I was really seeing him for the first time as others would see him - “a bum”. It’s me Vanessa. Will you still love me?
I remember how Greg mentioned in his book not only being Jesus but SEEING Jesus. The moment I tried to see Jesus was the moment I felt Jesus say to me, “You said you loved me, but I am like this – will you still love me?”
God, it hurts! It hurts to see someone like this. Someone who you felt you connected to and knew a little bit about, only to realize there was a whole other life that you are just beginning to see.
Most of all, it hurts to know that I couldn’t love wholeheartedly – that it was easier to hug someone you barely knew anything about last week than it was this week, once you see a different side of them. It hurts because I had hesitated before giving that same hug.
It hurts when who you really are is revealed in a moment’s delay.
Brings a whole new meaning to the term “Love hurts”.
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