THE CONFUSED ME
In relation to the quote below, what do you think being a man entails? If you’re male and reading this – do you identify yourself as a “guy” or a “man” (vice versa for the females)? I think I refer to most of my male friends as ‘guys’. I don’t really associate “man” with too many of them. For sure I don’t identify myself as a “woman”; I guess that would mean that I think of myself more as a “girl”. What makes someone of the female gender a “woman” instead of a “girl”?
I think part of it has to do with age. I can’t see a 40 year old and still call her a girl. But what about those who are in the 20’s? I’m in a young adult group right now and I would identify some females as “women” and others as “girls”. The only distinction that I can see is that the ones that I consider “women” are more introverted and quiet and the ones I consider “girls” are more energetic and enthusiastic. I know something’s wrong with this perception but I can’t put my finger on it.
Also, this difference doesn’t sit well with me because that would mean that I would have to be less enthusiastic and more quiet. I don’t want to be but granted, it seems like this is the way things are going right now. I don’t know if it’s because I’m continuously lacking sleep and increasing stress but I find that how I act now is very different from how I acted all my life. Or is this what it’s like as you get older? Does everyone get like this?
There are so many times I want to make comments and then realize that they would be inappropriate and so I don’t say anything at all. But I feel like I’m not letting others get to know me if I am always so quiet. What’s happening to me? I don’t really say whatever comes to my mind anymore and on the off chance that I do, my friends give me a weird look, like they don’t know who’s talking…but it’s me all along, just not saying anything. Does any of this make sense?
I feel as though I should change my blog heading from “In Chicago” to “In Transition” because that is really how I feel right now. There are too many things that are different in terms of my personal self and the dynamics of people that are around me. There are days where I think I know what’s going on and there are days where I just go through the motions. There are only 2 constants that I KNOW are truths: God is always here and my family will always love me. All I can do…is keep holding on and enjoy what the ride.
“Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be”
~ Switchfoot: “Dare You To Move”
QUOTE OF THE DAY
DC: “Lloyd, why do you have to be like this?”
Lloyd: “Because I’m a guy, I have pride.”
Cory: “You’re not a guy.”
Lloyd: “I am!”
Cory: “No. The world is full of guys. Be a man. Don’t be a guy.”
~Film "Say Anything"
...Enough said.
FRIENDSHIP
As I had mentioned in one of my previous blogs, something that had been bothering me over the Christmas holidays was my unappreciative nature. An incident had occurred and I was extremely upset over it so I had posted a blog immediately after. I realized why Proverbs are full of such wise words like "When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise". I doubt anyone had time to read my post because soon after, I re-read my vent and decided it was better to remove it.
Basically what had happened was I got a call from a friend saying that they weren't sure they wanted to be friends anymore. At first, I was extremely upset because a) I didn't see it coming; b) I thought it was an extremely childish thing to do; c) I was hurt that someone didn't want to be my friend. I got angry and defensive and posted my feelings of outrage. (This would be my quick-tempered side coming out).
Since then, I have come to realize that it was a great thing for this person to call me. It told me that our friendship meant enough for them to tell me that they weren't happy with how it was going. Granted, no one likes to hear that they need to put more effort but I realized that I tend to take advantage of my friendships with people. Rarely do I call up friends just to chat and see how they are doing - even if it's just for a few minutes. I had come to define friendship as something that was silent and understood, not realizing that friendship was a lot like being in a romantic relationship - that it requires love in the form of time and action from both parties. You can't just keep on taking without giving something back. I still have a lot to learn, especially in terms of how to put my love into action. So many times I don't even see or think about the opportunities I have to show my friends that I care about them. That phone call was a sharp reminder that I need to get moving.
So to all of you who frequent this page, I thank you for caring about me and what's been going on in my life. I'm so, so terribly sorry for not being a better friend when I could. I do value you in my life even though I may not show it properly. Please be patient with me as I learn how to actively love. It's a big struggle for me cuz I'm so selfish with my time but I want to keep our friendship because you mean a lot to me!
DREAMS
What are dreams anyway? How do they occur? Is it ever possible that they come true? Do they reveal our innermost desires and fears? I just had a weird and crazy dream. It was nice, I didn't want to wake up but at the same time I wouldn't want it to come true because I know the consequences.
Do you ever have dreams like that? Dreams where you remember the emotions you felt from the dream more than the dream itself? This was a weird dream because of all these crazy emotions but also because the dream itself seemed so real, it felt so vivid while I was in it. Haven't had a dream like that in a very long time. I felt lost in it and I had such a hard time waking up from it because it felt like I was drugged on it. It was one of those that at the beginning you knew it was a dream so you say things you normally would if you were awake, but then the dream uses those real aspects of your life and suddenly it doesn't seem like a dream anymore.
.
.
.
I just wrote out my dream. *laughs* I know it seems silly, I used to write out the ones that really struck me back when I was in Gr. 7/8. It's fun to read again from time-to-time. I haven't had such a strong dream since then anyway. So, I wrote it out and it's fun to analyze. I can totally see my subconscious working throughout the entire dream: things that I don't think about quite often but I know are sitting in my mind. I do believe that dreams sometimes show your fears and desires (in this case: not enough time; false sense of security; lots of guilt). Not all the time, sometimes they're just silly. But once in a while... wow, I guess I didn't realize how much baggage I was carrying around until just now. Interesting. Anyway, I doubt I have any prophetic capabilities though; which is probably for the better! =)
BACK IN THE GRIND
So I'm back in Chicago. I was looking at my blog listing thingy and I actually have 5 or 6 unfinished blogs saved as drafts. I will attempt to either finish them or delete them. Anyway, one thing that's been constantly eating at me over the holidays was my unappreciative nature. I find that I'm very ungrateful and quite selfish. I will only take action when it fits in my personal schedule and only if it suits my current whim. I will blog more about this later as it ties into one of my unfinished drafts.
I've got a test tomorrow and don't feel like looking at it anymore. Guess that means, I'll just get up early tomorrow for a last minute cram session again. I'm enjoying every minute of school - I wouldn't want to be anywhere else right now, even if it is studying!!! =)