THE SIMPLE LIFE

I love lazy mornings such as this. I have a final exam tomorrow that I haven’t started studying for – big surprise. But that’s not even close to the top of my thoughts this morning. I woke up @ 6:30 for a morning call then went back to bed. Woke up again @ 8:30 but just lounged in bed until 9:30 reading blogs and contemplating. Got out of bed to dust/vacuumed my room. (As a side note, long hair is nice and all but I shed as much as a dog – how gross!) Had a nice long shower and I’ve just been sitting at my desk slowly organizing things.

There’s something about being is a bath robe during the day that’s so…comforting. I guess that’s why ladies are always wearing bath robes sitting around and chatting at spas. It gives the feeling of having the luxury of time. If I drank coffee regularly I would so have one right now and just enjoy this moment. The cleaning of my room also give me a feeling of accomplishing something and now that the entire apartment’s clean, I’m even more relaxed. *closes eyes & sighs* What a wonderful way to start off the day.

Goodness! I was listening to the radio today while studying and heard some old R&B songs from when I was in elementary/high school. I looked up the lyrics cuz I liked the songs and wanted to sing along only to be completely shocked - I never realized how graphic the words really were! Now I’m not saying I wasn’t sheltered but it’s still kind of crazy what we’re exposed to as kids. But then a part of me wonders if I would’ve comprehended half the stuff they were alluding to even if I knew the words. I probably would’ve taken things at face value. But that’s even more disturbing…to picture little kids singing and dancing along to very explicit lyrics thinking they meant something completely different.

I really don’t like Xanga. I don’t like the fact that you can have locks so only ppl who have Xanga can read it. And I don’t like how you can choose who you want to view your entries. How am I supposed to stalk people??? Seriously! I know it’s been a while since I’ve surfed blogs but I am suddenly sad because there are so many pages that I can no longer access. There are only a few women whose entries will challenged and encouraged me by how they live their daily lives and to be locked out because I don’t know them personally is a total bummer. But I am glad for the impact that they’ve had on my life and hope that they will continue to do the same with people who actually know them. Livejournal doesn’t have locks right?

Was chatting with Jeff online last night and he suggested something to me. It’s not even that big of a deal – small, casual, and easy to do. At first, I brushed it off, but the more I think about it…the more I find that it’s actually a bigger deal to me than I originally thought. To go forward with this is confronting a lot of my fears. I don’t know if I am ready for it yet. And the fact that I can’t do it right away confirms that I have all these thoughts that I never even realized I had. So now I am hearing a voice in the back of my head saying, “And you thought you were ready for that?!! You can’t even do this yet! What's the rush? Enjoy this. Just take your time and TRUST ME”. *Deep sigh* Still such a long way to go…but so relieved I am not doing it alone.

Hmm…Got my first final tomorrow and I haven’t really started studying. This is not good. I slept in until 12:30 today and now I’m blogging as a means to delay studying. Having a hard time focusing.

But I forgot to tell you guys my final externship assignment. So here’s my schedule for next year:

Summer: Rapid City, South Dakota
Fall: Detroit, Michigan
Winter: West Haven, Connecticut
Spring: Chicago, Illinois

I am soo psyched about this! It’s exactly what I wanted – perhaps even better than Seattle. (Sorry Sam, there was no way I was going to get it cuz my classmate who set up the site got priority for summer. Guess that means you’re going to have to save that ride on your motorcycle for another time).

I was looking up Rapid City and it sounds like the perfect time to be there is in the summer. It’s close to Mount Rushmore and all these different national parks. Now I know I’m not super out-doorsy but maybe it’ll change if I live out there for a while. Either way, I know I can definitely appreciate the beauty of nature.

Detroit – yeah, I’m so excited to be close to everyone. I’m not planning to live in Detroit (so Cam, hopefully I’ll stay alive *grin*); more likely finding a place to stay in Windsor and than just crossing the border to work every day. That what a lot of the previous students did – most ppl who take the Detroit site are Canadian any way. Besides, didn’t you guys say there’s a great outlet mall around? *wink* Perfect excuse! It’ll be great since I’ll actually get to be around for Thanksgiving next year! And I can come back and see everyone more often too. Although now that most people are working, I wonder how often we’d actually get together. Either way, at least I’m closer than ever.

I don't know what West Haven would be like in the winter but I don't particularly care about the city itself because site is at a blind institute and I'm really looking forward to going there for low vision. Apparently you can learn Braille too if you want!

The best part about all this is that all these sites sound like they are amazing learning opportunities. All the student feedbacks have been great – from what you get to see to what the preceptors are willing to teach and I’m eager to find out all the things that I can gain from all of this. The crazy part will be moving every 3 months. I’ve never done the co-op thing so I think it’ll be hard to just start to get settled in and than needing to move again. But it’ll definitely be an experience.

The hard part is enjoying where I am right now. I do…but I don’t think nearly enough. I can’t believe that I’m already halfway done 3rd year. Only 2 more quarters left and we’re all pretty much going our separate ways until graduation. I keep reminding myself to just sit back and enjoy this moment, that I’m not going to have it again: the school atmosphere, the camaraderie, the sleeping in whenever I want.

I was just commenting last night how thankful I need to be because there is absolutely nothing I should ever complain about. I have a roof over my head, a warm bed, plenty of food, a wonderful family, awesome friends and a great education. I’ve never lacked anything. There is no reason to ever be sad, angry or upset. I know I’ve never done or can do anything to deserve it. It’s just been given to me. Just like it’s been given to all of us. How blessed are we! How many people can say that? And how many are completely satisfied, filled with joy and peace? You alone satisfy. You alone are enough.

I received an e-mail from a friend in response to my last blog. I just thought I'd post my reply...hope you don't mind since I forgot to ask permission but I didn't include any names just in case. Let me know and I'll take this down.



Thanks for your e-mail, it's a nice change from the masses of junk mail =)

I know you probably won’t agree with me but just the fact that you’re wondering…I believe it’s a ‘God nudge’. You may believe that these thoughts are purely your own. That you’re not trying to seek God in any way. That you’re questioning for completely different motives. You may be asking simply to have a good discussion. Which is cool and I enjoy it immensely. But I believe that our God’s placed these questions on your heart, that they’re not just from you alone. And I believe that He’s surrounded you with the specific friends that you have so that you can ask questions and hopefully see Him at work in their lives.

I don't think I can explain in any different terms so that you could better comprehend because it's like you said, it’s one of those things no one can really explain. That's why I said I wish you could experience it for yourself. It's like...'the wind.' I'm stealing this analogy from the movie A Walk to Remember (great girly movie btw, bawled my eyes out).

You can't see 'wind' in and of itself but:
-you know it's there through the things it affects (ie. waves rising in hurricanes, dust & dirt swirling in tornados)
-you can definitely feel it (ie. on your skin, in your hair)
-and its power cannot be denied. Sometimes the power can be wonderful (as in the case with windmills and sailboats) and sometimes its power can be devastating (ie. trees bending and houses collapsing).


As a woman of science, did the scientific questioning part of you not speak up during your revelations about God?

Heck yeah! Of course…I think it’s in our nature to question things, especially in an age where we’re taught that everything must be supported by scientific proof. I had crazy amount of questions.
-How did they know that the Bible wasn’t just a bunch of guys making up stories?
-How did they know that Jesus wasn’t made up as well? Did He even really exist?
-How do they know that Jesus was God?

It went on and on! And I’ve spoken to other ppl who are from a science background (optometry, nursing, etc.) and we were very similar in that we wanted cold hard facts…no emotional, feel-y stuff involved.

At that time, someone recommended that I read Case for Christ by Lee Strobel. It’s funny now in retrospect cuz I remember arguing with the book while reading it. But I liked how the author introduced scientific evidence and arguments similar to a murder trial. And since I enjoy reading suspense/mystery novels, I found this book to be an easy read.

I don’t know if this has to do with anything but all the people I’ve known who’ve read this book happen to be women. If you believe that men and women have different logic *grin* then perhaps I Don’t Have Enough Faith To Be An Atheist by Norman Geisler would be a better choice. I haven’t read it yet but there’s a guy in my class who was seeking and recommends it so maybe I will. But if you’re interested in the 1st book, you can borrow mine the next time I see you – just let me know.


Secondly, how do you reconcile your science training with matters of faith?

As I see it, there’s nothing to reconcile. If anything, my science training just further supports my faith! *Warning, I’m going to be a geek here*

Have you ever actually sat back and thought about what you’re learning? I don’t do it too often cuz I’m too busy trying to memorize all the info but sometimes I like to think about my molecular biology course from undergrad. How we learn about transcription factors, silencers and repressor genes, etc (not that I remember much). But all these proteins, they’re like little machines – they each have their own job to do. If something goes wrong, they can usually fix it unless it’s really bad. And we know (or at least we think we do) all this stuff about these little guys - how to manipulate them, how to delete/suppress them, or in some cases maybe even multiply them.

And they’re so tiny!!! Have you ever thought about how tiny they are? Yes we can break them down into chemicals, and even further into atoms. And somehow they combine together to form proteins and are found working on DNA, in the form of chromosomes, which is inside the nucleus (think of how many other things are inside the nucleus), which is inside a cell (think of how many other things are inside the cell), which makes up a tissue, and forms an organ, found in our body. That's how tiny we’re talking about. I mean think about replication and all the little proteins involved in that – polymerases, helicases, etc. I simply CANNOT believe that all this was evolution. That all these proteins somehow suddenly up and decided one day that they had a certain job to do. There HAS to be a higher power that planned such intricacies; there’s too much detail involved to be explained away by chance alone.

And think about it, that’s only one organ we’re talking about. Somehow all the organs in our bodies can communicate with each other and somehow we can move and form thoughts and experience emotions…and communicate! I am typing this out and you understand the words that you’re reading. All because of a bunch of chemical reactions and electric impulses…How amazing is that?!! How can you even wrap your mind around that?

If you think about how much we know about science…all the knowledge, all the theories that we’ve accumulated over the years, you’d realize that we’ve barely scratched the surface. Ask any scientist or any professional in a science-related field and you’d find that the reason we’re in this area of study is because there’s always something new and exciting to discover – to learn. It never ends. And there will always be more unanswered questions. Questions that I think can only be answered when we believe. Science and faith go hand in hand, one doesn’t need to be sacrificed for the other…they’re both yearning to discover the truth and I believe they ultimately lead to the same answer.


I love this passage in Job 38 because it acknowledges who God really is through nature:

Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation?
Tell me, if you understand.
Who marked off its dimensions?
Surely you know!
Who stretched a measuring line across it?
On what were it's footings set,
or who laid its cornerstone -
while the morning starts sang together
and all the angels shouted for joy?

Who shut up the sea behind doors
when it burst forth from the womb,
when I made the clouds its garment
and wrapped it in thick darkness,
when I fixed limits for it
and set its doors and bars in place,
when I said, 'This far you may come and no farther;
here is where your proud waves halt'?

It continues on and shows how God's hand is in everything. To read the whole passage go here. As always, comments (or e-mails) are more than welcome. 2 more weeks until Hong Kong!

P.S. Thanks everyone for the cards, phone calls & e-mails. This was the best birthday ever in so many ways. I can't believe how incredibly loved I am...thank you God.

"What drove you to seek God in the first place?"


Who is Jesus? Who is this guy that everyone claims to know and love? Do you ever wonder about that?

It’s funny that you should ask me this question Gary. If you asked me now, I can look back and say that God was drawing me close to him. But at the time, I wouldn’t say that. At the time, it just felt like something wasn’t right.

I don’t even know when I first wanted to seek God. I remember going with Simon to his church fellowship in the summer going into 3rd year of Waterloo. But apparently I had a conversation with Louis during 2nd year where I said I wanted to know more about God. So who knows. I don’t think there was ever an exact moment – at least not for me there wasn’t.

Instead, I believe we get these inklings which I’ll call ‘God nudges’. They’re just split second moments where you wonder. I’ve been getting them all my life but ignoring them most of the time. I distinctly recall a vivid nudge in elementary school when I asked Simon why he didn’t go for confession and communion like everyone else in our class. He gave his answer and I had a ‘God nudge’ to dig deeper, to try to understand what he believed. But I chose to ignore it. This deliberate ignoring continued most of the time until 2nd year of university. I can see now that God surrounded me with many different people – family, friends, random acquaintances – and used them to give me a little nudges.

-Sometimes it was because they did something differently from me.
Why did they think going to church was such a big deal? And it wasn’t even that they physically just needed to be in the building – they actually wanted to go! I found that a little weird, don’t you?

-Sometimes it was the way they saw things.
What is this Bible, this book, that you hold to be Truth? And what do you mean guys and girls are meant to be different because that’s the way God made us?

-But most of the time, the nudges came because of the way they acted.
I witnessed and experienced things that man cannot do by their own power alone. I watched my parents’ marriage blossom into this amazingly loving and open relationship when they invited God into their lives and the marriage was no longer about themselves. I’ve experienced selfless giving time and time again from people who didn’t have any other agenda (they weren’t trying to ‘convert’ me), they had nothing to prove to anyone (especially me) and acted only because the Spirit was moving in them.

And I wish you could see and experience all these things for yourself. Because there’s no words to describe it. When you really encounter God, it’s life-changing. There’s no way around it. He convicts you. He moves you. And things are never quite the same again. Life isn’t picture-perfect. And you don’t become perfect when you accept Jesus. Y’all know me and you can definitely attest to the fact that I’m far from perfect! If anything, you just become increasingly aware of how much more you need HIM in your life.

I don’t know everyone who reads this blog, nor do I know your background. But here’s a challenge for you:
Ever actually opened up the Bible and read from it? (And it doesn’t count when it’s read to you from the pulpit!)

If not, I recommend you try it. You’d be amazed at what God’s Word can do to convict you. At least, that’s what happened to me. Of course, I had to borrow someone else’s cuz it’s not like I had one lying around back then. But I’m sure we all know at least one person who owns a Bible.

Secondly:
Do you know Jesus – who He is and what He stood for?

Sad to say that even though I was brought up in the Catholic school system, I couldn’t ever answer this question. And only when I honestly prayed to know more about Jesus, did I realize that He was already answering my prayers. If you even have the slightest curiosity to know, then pray to God and tell Him!

“You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart” ~ Jeremiah 29:13
That’s God’s promise to us.

I don’t know what you were expecting when you asked that question, but I hope this response answered it. If not, feel free to shot off more specific questions or just give me a call. That goes for all of you too. =)

Helpful eye tip #146: Don't rinse your eye with urine (yours or other people's). You could give yourself gonorrhea.

Whew! Finally a chance to blog. These past few weeks have been crazy hectic since it’s the start of a new quarter. Here’s what I have been up to:

-Organizing the equipment fair
The 3rd years usually put on a mini-expo for the 1st & 2nd years since they’re required to purchase equipment. This is their chance to play around with ours, and ask us questions. Sounds simple enough but when you only find out the day before that the sales reps are coming & the ‘little ones’ are totally clueless; we had to do our best to make sure they weren’t overwhelmed and making sound decisions. I think we could’ve done a better job but the miscommunication between the school & our class is something to work on.

-Student Association Club Blindspot
Organized by the Student Association (hereon in referred to as SA). I like to think of our school as a high school but more professional. =D SA is pretty much like the student council. We put club blindspot at the beginning of each school year to everyone know all the extra-curricular activities they could be involved in. Free pizza & adult beverages are found as well. Not much responsibility on my part other than chatting to students & handing out pizza.

-Research project/Case report
We have our 3rd year project that’s due next May. An article assignment and the proposal were both due at the beginning of Sept. Not that she didn’t inform us at the beginning of summer, but of course I procrastinated – especially with studying for Boards. I was originally going to do research with 2 of my classmates but 3 days before the assignment was due, things didn’t quite work out. Talk about a panic attack! You don’t just try to plan a research, find a faculty advisor and write a proposal in just 3 days. Ended up scraping the research idea & I’m just going to do case report instead. I’m slightly disappointed cuz I’ve never done research but I doubt I’m a good research person either. I like interacting with people too much to be doing research – that’s my opinion anyway.

-SA Golf Outing
As class rep, it is expected that I attend & participate enthusiastically at all school events *grin* As you can imagine, I don’t play golf. I find it to be one of the most boring games in the world. But I had fun at the outing! I didn’t play, just helped out with registration but I got to chat with everyone as they were coming in at the halfway mark and learned how to tally scores. So (-)’s are a good thing! The best part was observing behaviours of the male species. All the older men would place their golf bags outside, come into the clubhouse, grab a beer or two, have a seat in front of the football game and just chat. Quite interesting to overhear conversations too, my favourite quote being: “It’s a fact, men go to play golf to get away from their wives”

-Work
Did I mention that I work on campus? Mondays I give tours for applicants here for an interview. Wednesdays I work with an ophthalmologist in Advanced Care. I’m also an open-lab tutor for optometry and course tutor for pretty much all the 1st and 2nd years classes. The hours are flexible but fairly consistent throughout the week. I love each one of my jobs even though they’re all different. I really like this school so any time I can share that with people, especially people thinking about coming here, I get excited. Working with the ophthalmologist is great cuz I get to see & learn all these things in a clinical setting. Tutoring is fun because I enjoy teaching and it’s such a reinforcement when you see the light-bulb go off in their heads. Plus it’s a great way to build relationships and care about others.

-SA Casino Night
Fundraising for scholarships to give back to students. If you have chips at the end of the night, you can exchange them for raffle tickets to win some awesome prizes. But since I’m on SA, I wasn’t allowed to be in the raffle. Boo…cuz they had a lot of tech stuff like IPOD, Digi-cam, TV, PS2, DVD player, etc. Oh well, I think I would’ve lost everything any ways. I tried to play High/Low but lost “$500” and was just starting to learn how to play Texas Hold ‘Em when it was time for me to leave. Good times of food & mingling though. One thing that was interesting was this one person who kept on coming back for more buy-ins. We finally had to cut them off when they spent $50. It’s great that all their money’s going for a good cause but scary that we actually had to cut people off. I hope it’s just cuz they had too much to drink and not because they might actually have a gambling problem.

-Externships
This has been the bane of my existence for the past little while. As 3rd years, we are in the process of choosing where will be for our rotations in our 4th year. It’s taxing on the entire class and for us in particular because there’s always going to be people who aren’t pleased with what they got and think that the system is flawed. I agree that it’s not perfect but unless you have a suggestion for improvement, all I can offer you is a sympathetic ear. Does that sound harsh & uncaring? I want to do my best to help everyone but we still need to be fair.

Any way, here’s what 've I got at this moment:

Summer: Rapid City, South Dakota
Fall: West Haven, Connecticut
Winter: Hampton, Virginia
Spring: Chicago, Illinois

We have our Scramble Night tonight after class so hopefully things will run smoothly, and everybody will be happy in the end. But those us regulating the evening is preparing for the worse =P.

I’ve been battling with God about Externships in particular because I really wanted to go Everett, Washington in the Summer and Detroit, Michigan in the Fall. I was pleased when I first heard my selections yesterday (excited even) because they were my 2nd choices but as the night went on, I kept wanting my 1st choice instead. Isn't that typical of us as humans to always want more? All I can do is my best and leave it up to Him. I just wish the carrot won’t dangle in front of me like so. It’s frustrating but I know it’s here because I haven’t fully surrendered it.

Mom made an interesting observation. My 1st choices were based on visiting people but my 2nd choices were based on the actual quality of the site. Perhaps this is to show me how my perspective is not where it should be? Part of me wants to just let things be, to just be satisfied with what I have right now and another part wants to fight tooth-and-nail to get what I want.

That’s about all.

P.S.
Gary, I will respond to your comment, I promise. I’m just trying to figure out how much I want to share on the blog. Half of me doesn’t want to be completely open, not knowing how much is really necessary/beneficial (particularly in this case) and half of me is wondering if it’s just pride that’s holding me back. Why is it so hard to be completely honest and vulnerable? Still struggling with same thoughts as I did back then – fears of judgement. Use me Lord.

...and I PASSED!!!

All by the grace of God though cuz it's was a rough exam. So many thanks to the Big Guy upstairs. Also thanks to all of you for your support & encouraging words. It means the world to me =)

Now onward to Parts 2 & 3. And of course, the dreaded Canadian Boards after I graduate - I hear it's a hundred times worse then the American version, especially since it spans 5 days or something like that. But one thing at a time. I invite you to join me in giving thanks for this moment!!

"Come, let us sing for joy to the Lord;
let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation.
Let us come before him with thanksgiving
and extol him with music and song.

For the Lord is the great God;
the great King above all gods.
In his hand are the depths of the earth,
and the mountain peaks belong to him.
The sea is his, for he made it,
and his hands formed the dry land.

Come, let us bown down in worship,
let us kneel before the Lord our Maker;
for he is our God
and we are the people of his pasture,
the flock under his care.

Today, if you hear his voice,
do not harden your hearts..." ~ Psalm 95:1-8

Here's an old unfinished post - I didn't have time to complete my entire thought so it just kinda stops but just so you have something to read & this place looks like it's updated =P

Whoohoo! What an amazing 2 weeks. I went to Beijing for a week and it was a good time. Don’t ask me about the Great Wall or the Forbidden City; I never went to any tourist attractions. However, I DID get to spend a ton of time with my grandma, my aunt and my uncle. Also some time with my parents but not as much as I would’ve liked.

Their lifestyle in Beijing is very different from what I am used to and to be honest, I’m not quite sure how I feel about it. To sum it all up in one word – extravagant. The apartment is huge, especially for 2-3 people. There is an Ah-Yi who does all the cooking and cleaning. It was weird just putting dishes in the sink and not needing to wash them. The new BMW isn’t registered yet so we traveled by taxi almost all the time. I got massages the first 2 nights that I was there. The guy actually came to our place and worked 2 hrs on me and 2 hrs on my dad. He got paid $8/hr (Can./Amer.) You getting the picture? I guess I just felt guilty for eating at all these fancy restaurants and going to all these beautiful places paying much less than I normally would for the same level of I was here.

Wowie…it’s been almost a month since I last posted. Sorry to disappoint; but with boards, I kind of went into hiding. And of course, afterwards I went into recovery =P
Boards…are over. I don’t know if I have to do them again but if I do, I think I’m okay with it. At least, I’m okay with the idea at this moment. I keep telling myself it’ll be another practice for the Canadian boards. I’ll still probably be bummed out when I get the scores back though. We’ll see, it’s over so there’s no sense thinking more about it.

This past week has been awesome. I’ve been completely lazy and enjoying all my free time without feeling the least bit guilty! Such a wonderful feeling =) Went out with my classmates to celebrate the end of boards and then slept all day afterwards. Literally – I added it all up and it was 23 hrs of sleeping within 2 days. So sweet.

Melissa and I also decorated our living room. It no longer looks like a guy’s apartment but is actually quite welcoming if I say so myself. We spent a good chunk of time in IKEA. Weird cuz they didn’t get IKEA around here until pretty recently so it’s considered a “cool” thing to do. Funny what we take for granted growing up huh?

I also spent an afternoon at the park, lying on a blanket and just reading. It was so wonderful to be out, enjoying the sun. All those thoughts I had during my studying when I wished I had more time to contemplate and think through…yeah, don’t know where they all went. I think they only come when I really want to procrastinate, which is sad cuz I think up some pretty crazy things that I would love to have responses to. Oh well, there’s always fall quarter!

Going to Beijing tomorrow. Haven’t started packing yet but I’m not really worried since I think I’m taking an empty suitecase with me. I’m planning to wear all my mom’s clothes while I’m there (possibly steal some items back too) and I don’t need to bring any toiletries. So pretty much, I’m only bringing shoes (cuz my mom has tiny feet) and whatever I’m wearing to the airport. Oh…and books. With this new bomb scare, I’m probably gonna be stuck at the airport for hrs.

Any ways, that’s the update for now. Talk to y’all when I get back! *huggs*

These past few weeks, I’ve been thinking about this whole leadership thing. How I was getting frustrated with our inability to communicate with our classmates. We make announcements, but few people are actually present during lectures because of studying for boards. We send out e-mails, but not everyone checks or cleans out their inbox so our messages get bounced. Then people hunt us down and ask us the questions that could have very well been answered had they been in class, put some effort to check their e-mail or bothered to ensure that the school’s official means of contacting them are kept open.

I guess I got to a point where my responsibilities were starting to become a drain instead of a joy. I, in my selfishness, believed that I was entitled to certain conveniences…and had already ‘put my time in’ so to speak.

But then I remembered the reason behind taking this position – the step of faith that was required of me. I am to be a servant. And to do it in as loving of a manner as I am created to express.

I had forgotten the desire I had when I initially started: I wanted to love my classmates and to show them that I care. To serve them. And in this case, it means making their lives as easy and stress-free as possible. Heck, that's the very definition of a servant!! So what if I get asked the same question several times? It doesn’t take that much more effort on my part and they get a response immediately.

Still so much to learn. Be patient with me.

I am loved. =)


You are too!

Just a few:
-Behind in my study schedule.
-So many cards/e-mails I haven’t sent to friends that I haven’t spoken to in a while. I miss you and our time together.
-Don’t have enough patience and selfless love to those around me.

All in all, it boils down to the same struggle as it’s always been – having faith.

I’ve been so selfish with my time that I missed an engagement party & a birthday dinner this weekend. =( I’m sorry Kathy & Iris.
I’ve also been frustrated with the visit tonight & tomorrow. May I appreciate our time together as an opportunity bless one another. I’m not spontaneous…who was I kidding? I like to know and plan things ahead of time.

14 days left until Boards. Must cling on to things to be thankful for.

Encouraged by a classmate’s post:
“studying for and taking this exam is another step in obedience... passing would be His grace”


Many more thoughts (some are actually positive =P) but I'll blog later.

Sorry dudes...I never liked reading ranting blogs.

...until "the hardest exam you will ever take in your academic career".





What was I thinking???

Here a brief glimpse:








































Who needs to go to Europe? I got the same thing without leaving the continent!



















The so-called pirate show @ Treasure Island that I missed.

























The Venetian. They had canals inside the hotel - how cool is that? Apparently, the gondolier sings too!



















The Superbowl!! Showing our support in true Vegas style =P




















Money, Money, Money! It's everywhere you turn!



















Boards Review workshop...Here we're learning about lenses. Dodge needs to be more concave but Paul's convexing pretty well - hee, hee!



















Since we stayed at the Luxor, we had an Egyptian theme. See how the Pharoah invited us to his pheast? (I know it's corny but that's the name of the restaurant: "Pharoah's Pheast") Buffet was delish! Ah the gluttony... =)

*Photos courtesy of my awesome suitemate Melissa*

Back in Chicago now, went to Vegas for a conference.

Likes:
- Favourite hotel was New York, New York; it even has a rollercoaster (the Manhattan Express) Granted I skipped a lot of the hotels though – heard The Venecian was very nice.
- Saw the water show at Bellagio just like in the movie Ocean’s Eleven. Litearally water dancing, very choreographed & very pretty. Didn’t see the pirate show at Treasure Island (Miss Congeniality 2) but my friends said I didn’t miss much cuz it was pretty much a skin show with the ‘sirens’ in bikinis fighting pirates.
- FREE STUFF!! It’s crazy to see all these sponsors pour all this money so we would be interested in their products. Pens, notepads, shirts, drops, solutions, food, alcohol…you name ‘em, I got ‘em.
- Seeing people from undergrad. Crazy to think that at one point, we were all competing against each other and now, we’re getting ready to be colleagues. It’s so exciting to see that we’re all in something that we’ve wanted to do for so long.
- Learning new things. Didn’t get to do as much of this as I wanted though.
- Meeting doctors. Didn’t get to do as much of this as I wanted either.
- Superbowl (competition between 17 schools to see which representative had the most & quickest eye knowledge). Berkley won but our rep held his own…I was impressed. I was even more impressed by the fact that some schools had body paint and bull horns to cheer their favourite nerd.
- Canadian luncheon. Hearing things from a Canadian perspective. Still don’t know which direction my future’s heading after these next 3 years though.
- Summer nights.
- Got to know the person I was rooming with better. Actually got to have some good & deep conversations.



Dislikes:
- Going to Vegas is not what I would call a vacation. There’s stimulation everywhere – the lights, the sounds…it’s in-your-face and it never ends.
- Too hot, too dry, and too gaudy. It’s the desert…my eyes were constantly red regardless of how many of the free drops I put in. The drink servers were costumed in such a way to match the hotel theme & of course, to catch your attention. Even I stared for a moment and I’m not even a guy.
- The hotels were like individual cities; there’s no reason for you to ever leave. They want your $$ and ALL of it!
- People were just handing out flyers for escort service everywhere along the strip. At first I was confused and slightly offended as to why they were skipping me and just handing it out to guys.
- People should not bring children to Vegas, especially newborns. This is not a place for family vacation, besides, it’s so smoky everywhere.
- Going to the student workshops made me feel like I was back in school. Next time I go to one of these things, I’m going to go to workshops that I actually want to learn more about.
- Large groups. Too many people everywhere. Guess I’m not as much of a people person as I thought.
- Disappointed with myself. “Beer before liquor and you’ll never get sicker”. Brought back memories of first year orientation week.
- How everyone kept drilling into our heads the slogan: “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.” That’s just a recipe for disaster.

Odds & ends:
- It’s legal to drink on the streets. It was a little odd to see a woman walking down the busy street with a glass of wine in her hand.
- Walking out of the plane and seeing rows of slot machines. In case you needed a reminder that you were in Las Vegas.
- Lots of weddings. Saw so many brides. There’s a wedding chapel in every hotel I think. I would never want to get married in Vegas.
- My 2 favourite days were spent i) vegging inside my hotel room & ii) eating buffet/watching Mama Mia with friends. Both of which could have been done anywhere other than Vegas.

Overall, I wouldn’t choose to go to Vegas again but I guess at least I can say I’ve been there now. As a friend put so eloquently: “It’s a place that satiates all worldly desires – sex, food and money”.

FAMILY

Had 2 visits in the past 2 days from people in Toronto. It's so nice to have family, biological & spiritual.

So several people from RHCBC (the church my parents used to go to) came down this week for an arts conference at Willowcreek. It weird cuz I never met any of the younger people and I didn't know the Auntie & Uncles well at all. And yet, they drove in traffic for 1 hr each way from their hotel just so that I could have dinner with them. And they greeted me like family.

Had a great time chatting with Pastor Mpindu who's new to the church, Uncle Phil whose one of the deacons, and some other adults. The younger people were great too - so funny and SO FOBBY. Speaking chinese with them all night made me realize how much I miss my Asian side. I also finally got to meet Leo from Synergy Ministries and got to talk about social justice for a bit. I have some things that need to be worked through internally but hopefully I can blog about it next time.

My Uncle Ray & Auntie Linda came down for a visit as well; just to reassure my mom that things are fine here (at least that's my personal opinion =P) I'm kidding - they had other reasons for being in town but it's so nice to spend time with just the 2 of them. Normally, my parents or other family members would be around so I got to interact with them like an adult instead of as a kid. Plus I got to see how they interacted with each other as husband & wife. Whenever I see them I laugh cuz they are the oddest match and yet they work well enough together to be married for 27 years! =)


Quotes of the Evening:
Uncle (while drinking a fruit bubble tea over dinner):Did you know that papayas make your boobs bigger?

*Pause.* Then turns to my Aunt.

Uncle: Honey, would you like some more?


Later on during dinner...

Uncle: Here - a pineapple, your favourite.

Proceeds to feed my Aunt the fruit.
She makes a face.

Uncle: Oh. My mistake. It's a papaya.


HAHAHA! Welcome to a typical family dinner...I love the Wong's side of the family - everyone's so open; the humour reminds me of my grandpa.

THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT SUMMER…

…that makes you feel energized. So I went for a walk/“jog” this morning with some friends. It really was more walking for me…the jogging came in when I tried to catch up to them. I felt like one of those little runts that tag along with the big kids *laughs*

It was awesome though…getting up at 7:45 in the morning on a day you can sleep in was hard, but I feel so awake now (and very much in need of a shower).

I realized that I am more active during the summer than I am in the winter…and all forms of physical activity are usually initiated by someone else. It’s so bad. Maybe I need to live on the West Coast; everyone seems to be more health conscious over there.

I thought I was so out of shape (well…I am) but turns out those shooting pains in my shins are not completely due to the fact that I’m lazy. Apparently I may have weak ankles and I’m not walking properly. I knew I should’ve paid more attention in gym class =P.

Any way, all this beautiful weather is making it very hard for me to start studying…both for my classes and more importantly, for my boards. It’s less than a month & a half away! So I have a favour to ask…although I hate saying it - if you see me procrastinating, please tell me straight up. Remind me that after I get through this little while, I can have as much fun as I want – but I NEED to get my butt into gear RIGHT NOW.

Thanks bunches…miss you all! =)

FRIENDS

Just got off the phone in a crazy-long conversation. You know what I love (besides good conversations)? Good friends. I love that fact that I have such awesome friendships with whom you can turn to no matter what, share no matter what and you just KNOW that you'll always be there for each other. And while I wish I was with all of you, because there's a certain closeness that only comes with frequency & proximity, I also appreciate the fundamental level of care that transcends both time & distance. I look at all the people I know and I am so blessed because I feel this unspoken level of closeness with so many of you. *hug* *tear* Hopefully, you'd feel the same way about me too. =)

I was asked today what God was revealing to me. I'd like to add that I am so thankful for all of you (and I'm pretty sure I know who visits this site!)

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MOTHERHOOD

On a completely different note. Something that's been on my mind recently was motherhood. Not that I am ready for this by any means, but in some of the readings that I've been doing and people I've been observing, this has come up a lot lately for some reason.

Perhaps because I'm always watching out for qualities that I could admire in people (especially women) and perhaps learn from. I've been reading about this mother who took an entire weekend retreat to just pray for her son and then wrote out very specific goals on how to raise him. I think that's a pretty amazing thing for someone to do for another individual, especially a woman for her child. I guess it's cuz I usually used to seeing a harried mother instead of a peaceful one.

Sometimes I think we neglect the impact parents have on their kids. I am still taken aback when I come across a certain situation and I recall what my parents would say. After all these years of learning to 'think on my own', they still have a huge impression on what I contemplate and how I act. At times this is good and other times it is not so good. As parents, that is a great responsibility - one that I think we don't consider nearly as much as it warrants.

This idea came up when I was reading about voting in the early 1900's. How they didn't believe that women needed to vote because of their ability to influence their family. That eventually, everyone would vote along the same lines as the mother. Such was the power of a woman over the following generations - based on how they raised them.

I had never thought of a mother's role in this manner and I'm not at all saying that I agree wholeheartedly with the above thoughts. Obviously if this were the case, there really is no need for women to vote. But I think, as with most things that don't sit well with me, there's a nugget of truth in that statement. That a mother's influence on her family is far greater than she potentially realizes and it's important to acknowledge this early on because it's something we will eventually be held accountable to. All the more reason to ask for guidence - it's certainly not something I can claim that to do on my own.

Oh, and not to belittle the father's role in raising a family...but I can only write things from my perspective and it's limited at that! =P

INDEPENDENCE

I realized that I haven't updated in a week. It's been relaxed and busy the same time. Relaxed cuz school work hasn't piled yet but busy cuz of errands. I was just telling my mom last nite how I'm actually kind of glad that my parents went to China. This will probably come off sounding selfish but I feel like I'm finally starting to become an adult.

I moved into my apartment upstairs (I wanted to take a picture but I think I broke my digital camera). The move wasn't easy and I think I twisted my hip cuz it feels real funny but I did it pretty much all by myself - even the heavy bookshelf & TV. I know it sounds silly but I'm proud of this. If my parents were in T.O., I know that they would've come down to help me as they've always done with every move I've ever made. And I, as usual, would've just let them do everything. I'm beginning to realize how spoiled I am by my parents. How will this carry on through the rest of my life?

I actually went grocery shopping yesterday - REAL groceries! I got mangos and pears, chinese cooking sauces, 'guy lan', rice, tofu - even pork!! I'm so proud of myself, buying raw meat always seemed like a big cooking milestone to me. I also skipped the snack aisle. Well...almost. I had to get the rice crackers, they were calling. But I didn't wander around looking at the different snacks like I normally do. If my parents were here, they would've bought the food for me too...and I wouldn't have paid attention as to what to get. Now I'm actually trying to learn for myself! The excitement is coming from its novelty...I'm sure going grocery shopping will feel like a chore at some point in my life. The next step will be to actually COOK the food =P. I'll let you know how it goes.

NERD!

So saw my very first patient today - it was not bad at all. Took longer a lot longer than it technically should have; I think this will be my major weakness. Must learn to be more efficient...I think this has always been a problem of mine though. I enjoy taking my time & don't like to be rushed.

I got so excited that I came back home and immediately started reading up on treatment options for my case and also a classmate's case that I overheard. I think I'm going to like this whole clinic idea even though there is still so much I don't know.

In my haste to post my panic yesterday, I neglected to put down some of the things that I had time to reflect on over the weekend.

1.
Same old struggle of how to live in this world but not be of this world. Friday night was our class bash. It was lots of fun and so great to hang out with classmates that's not my usual group but I find myself deliberately holding back from really trying to get to know others.

One of my classmates made the comment of how she can see that some of the friendships she's made here lasting a long time and I don't think I can say the same thing. Why is that? How do I reconcile the knowledge that I am required to be completely here in this moment and the feeling that all things are temporary?

2.
Helped out with convocation. It's crazy to see people that I looked up to during my first year going through the ceremonies to be finally called a doctor. I seriously thought that it wasn't going to phase me but when the valedictorian started to choke up during his speech - it was over for me. And to think that we are now in their same shoes as when I first met them...that it will be all of us in a short amount of time...

Hard to believe that I've already been in Chicago for 2 years; did time really go by that quickly?

3.
Started to wonder how much I've changed these past 2 years - if I was still growing. It seems harder to judge when it's no longer this sudden, exponential difference; but obviously it's easier to tell when you go from black to white. I'd like to hope that I am. I find that the challenges are more subtle now...which actually makes it seem even more difficult. Although it's probably all a matter of perspective.

If I could separate the phases on a graph, I'd label the first part 'who I am no longer'. Hence why it was easy to see the changes. I feel as though I am now in the phase of discovering/appreciating 'who I am made to be' which makes it more ambiguous yet also more exciting.

4.
Was rebuked by two wonderful ladies during lunch yesterday for doubting the commitment I made. I was reminded of how dangerous it was to even make casual comments because when said out loud; it becomes reinforced. I've already been trying to watch what I say to the point where most people think I'm just a quiet individual because I keep so many thoughts to myself. If I keep this up, they'll probably think I'm mute. Yet another dilemma =P

5.
I am so incredibly loved. I so often forget to look around and see the love that surrounds me. I take it for granted - thinking that it's normal and forgetting to appreciate the effort & sacrifice others put in. An uncle & aunt (just family friends...no relations) came down this weekend to help me out, offering their time and services because my parents are now away. They have gone above and beyond...literally treating me like their flesh & blood. I can't imagine people other than my parents, doing what they've done for me.

I don't deserve this. I honestly don't deserve anything. Why am I so blessed? It's a stupid question, one that shouldn't even be asked. So instead I give thanks. And ask to be humbled. That I can love others as I have been loved.

I WANT TO HURL

I'm seeing my first patient tomorrow. The thought is making my stomach queasy. Seriously, I want to throw up. AHHH! I know my stuff...I KNOW I do. I know enough to get through the exam. But why are my fingers are shaking as I type this?

I can't let my nerves get the best of me. That's how I'm going to screw up. If I act confident, I'll be fine. I know I will. I'm just not very confident at the moment.

Reminds me of all those stupid piano competitions. If I am confident, I do well. If I allow myself to get nervous, I mess up. Can't...Be...Nervous!


Okay, let's change the subject.

Did 25 km on a bike today for The American Cancer Society. We finished in 2 hrs...apparently, that's not very good time. Oh well, I'm just proud I finished it. =P I actually reached the point where it was easier on my legs to ride instead of walk. It was kind of cool that if I pushed myself hard enough, the pain goes away after a while. Of course, I am SOO incredibly sore right now and I know it's just going to worse tomorrow. I don't think I've ever felt my muscles cramp up like this before. How am I suppose to wear heels for clinic tomorrow?!! Just like me to not think ahead prior to signing up for something.

The few days I was back were bittersweet. I cried every single day. I think crying has become a normal response for me now. It never used to be this way. I use to throw temper tantrums instead. i guess this is better; easier to manage.

Any way, I haven't missed my parents as much as I thought ever since coming back. I had my day of 'mourning' after the plane ride but even then, I've had a sense of peace through it all. I think it was cuz of Scripture and also the reminder I got that if I don't focus on where God has placed me, I'm going to miss all the opportunities He's given. Praise God for keeping me so busy since I've been back that I haven't even really had time to wallow in self-pity. It has helped to keep my focus on what's ahead (and above! *wink*)

I've been meditating on the words of Psalm 103 recently. Take a gander if you will; perhaps you may find joy and peace in them as well. =)


ohh...Since Iv posted his availability. I'll do that too!
May 27-May 29 (Memorial day weekend - US equivalent to May 2-4)
July 1-July 5 (nothing; not even clinic!)
Aug 3-Aug 10 (no classes, just clinic)
Aug 11 - Aug 20 (completely free/clinic maybe? Discrepency between calender & student guide; I should probably verify that)

ARGH!

So I just found out that I have to be in clinic during my break weeks too.

I'm so bummed out. There goes my plans for visiting Beijing in August. And was just going through all this trouble yesterday trying to switch times with people so that I could maybe squeeze in 2 1/2 weeks there.

I can't even visit my godmother in Vancouver in November now...at least, I can't make any definite plans until the clinic schedule for Winter quarter comes out.

=( And I won't see my parents until Christmas...there goes my hopes of going to Urbana '06.

Okay...gotta think positive:

At least now I know that parents going to China and my not having a home in T.O. wouldn't have mattered any way since I have no more breaks until I graduate.

See? It all works out in the end.

.
.
.


Okay...saw this and it cheered me up. What is it about tiny cuteness that brings a smile to our faces? =)

ADVERTISING

Has anyone seen the Milky Way Commercial? Not top of my commercial list but I had to laugh the first time I saw it.

Now I realize that by blogging about it I am inadvertently supporting this product. I don't like advertising in general because it's promoting consumerism and the idea that you can find satisfaction through material things. However, I certainly appreciate good ads for their sheer ingenuity. I love seeing creativity being applied and having them work out...(and those 'wassup' commercials were NOT creative - just annoying!)

While trying to find the link online, I stumbled across several discussions on this commercial. It's interesting to see the mixed reactions - I found it funny but some people found it disturbing and others found it offensive/appalling. Maybe I'm just desensitized. Either way, it's fun to see that people can read so much into it, from feminism to sexual innuendos. But I guess that's what creative things do...they spark discussion.

CONTINUATION OF COMMENTS

I started to reply and realized it was too long so decided to make it into a post. We can continue our discussion here instead =P

Ivan, here's the link to the magazine: http://www.sbts.edu/resources/publications/magazine/2005Winter.pdf

It's interesting that Ivan should mention a skit with that storyline because I saw a similar one in undergrad. I have to admit that the idea that someone doesn't go to heaven simply because they weren't exposed to God didn't sit well with me either and IS taking me a while to come to terms with it.

From where I stand at this point, I think the whole idea is not that some people will be exposed to God, some will not and we will be judged according to this. More that we, as individuals, have been exposed to God, to Jesus, to His death and ressurection, and to the Holy Spirit.

We're not in the category of people that has never heard of the gospel and so we have the CHOICE to believe that He died for our sins or not, to have faith so to speak. For those who fall in the category who have not been exposed to God, who knows? Honestly, we're not God...who are we to say who's going to heaven and who's not when Jesus returns.

And I believe that the forgiveness of sins is central to ANY Christian doctrine. The whole point why we believe in Jesus is because we recognize that we're sinners, fully understand that this displeases God and are in need of Jesus' salvation.

I always think back to the Apostles' Creed that we learnt as a kid when I think about what it is that I believe. Although I never fully comprehended the part that said " I believe in the holy catholic church: the communion of saints".

Kind of along the lines of what Cam & Simon said; why would we pray to the church when it's an institution created by mankind? And it's the same idea as praying to the saints. We're all humans, it'll be like me praying to my parents...they're not God. Just things that I wonder about. Now that I think about it, praying to the saints was one thing that I never noticed that we did as Catholics until high school.

Anyway, maybe I should clarify. There's a danger of thinking that 'if I'm a good person I will go to heaven' just as there's a danger to SAY that you believe without ACTING out what you believe.

I say that there's a danger of thinking that we're good people and therefore will go to heaven because I question our reasons for doing good deeds. If we honestly ask ourselves, I believe that a lot of times, we do good things for selfish reasons...at least I do. I do good things because I want others to like me, so that people would admire me and think highly of me or I do good things because it helps me achieve my own goals and I get satisfaction out of it.

How many times do I do these good deeds because I just care? Or an even a higher standard would be, how many times do I act in this way because GOD expects me to? I say this is held higher because I find it very difficult to have God be the motivating force behind the way I act.

At the same time, I don't want to be someone who is all talk and no action. This verse from the book of Matthew has been on my heart recently. Jesus said:

"Not everyone who says to me 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles? Then I will tell them plainly, I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers." ~Matthew 7:21-23

It kind of scares me because I know that I do this. I call Jesus my Lord, my Saviour and yet, I wonder if doing the things that I think are good and godly is what I really should be doing. Am I doing the will of my Father in heaven? Will He turn me away on judgement day? Do you guys ever wonder like this?

Yikes! Don't you think that this is all the more reason that we need to have a closer relationship with Him and read the Bible more? Otherwise, how else are we suppose to know? I need to pray more consistently throughout the day...that I may trust and obey - to have that kind of faith that we speak so highly of.

Dust: it's really purgatory first ;) Don't Catholics get to go to heaven only if enough people are praying for them? I vaguely remember learning that accumulation of prayers is needed and that's why we pray for our dead.

MATURITY...

So I was just surfing blogs and came across Kobie's. I gotta say, the guys I interact with continue to amaze me - what you think & how you feel and how awesome it is when you actually allow yourselves to be vulnerable and open. After reading that post, it kind of made me step back and reflect how I look at life.

Don't you ever think that we have such a childish perspective in the sense that we're always looking out for ourselves? That our decisions only affect us. I think that true maturity starts to reveal itself when we think of how our actions and their consequences will affect others.

I was reading about maturity recently; more specifically when a boy becomes a man in an article by Albert Mohler. It's an interesting read and the magazine also touches upon the importance of the father figure in a man's life. I wish there's more stuff like this for females. It mentioned one thing about the role of wives which I think is very challenging. Anyway, I've always liked looking at the differences between men & women...I guess most people are; both genders totally find each other a mystery (hence the reason for attraction in the first place no doubt).

A great analogy came up recently in a conversation that I thought works pretty well. We should simply looked at the opposite gender as a piece of art. We know it's meant to be beautiful and creative, we just don't have the knowledge to fully appreciated all that. But we can continue to look at the little subtleties and find new things to study and learn...and sometimes, it's just meant to be enjoyed.


On a completely different note:
Have you ever wondered what the difference was between Catholic and Protestant theologies? I came across a site that sort of summarized a conference talk on justification. Most of it was over my head - the idea of being saved by faith alone vs. faith + works.

Catholics believe that there needs to be both, but I find that there's a danger on emphasizing works and so often, the more important aspect of faith is overshadowed. Hence the general belief that "If I'm a good person, I will go to heaven".

The Protestant doctrine believes that faith alone will save you. Although "justification is not accomplished by a profession of faith. It is the posession of faith, not the profession of it, that saves. We must not give people a false sense of security by making them believe a profession is enough!"

Saying that you believe is easier than actually living a life that demonstrates WHO you have faith in...and even then, I find it difficult just to profess. This idea of posessing faith is going to take a life-time to perfect. I still maintain that Catholics have very similar views to Protestant - at least on paper. In practice however, different things are emphasized. If anyone's interested in discussing my thoughts in more detail, just bring it up the next time we see each other. I need to get ready for class now.

QUIZ TIME AGAIN!

How You Live Your Life

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside. You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think. You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly. Some of your past dreams have disappointed you, but you don't let it get you down.

What Your Face Says

At first glance, people see you as warm and well-balanced. Overall, your true self is passionate and physical. With friends, you seem logical, detached, and a bit manipulative. In love, you seem mysterious and interesting. In stressful situations, you seem cheerful and optimistic.

You Are a Lazy Cook

Technically, you're a cook... in that you do cook the occasional frozen burrito in the microwave. Get a little adventurous. Sprinkle some fresh cheese on that frozen pizza next time!

*GASP*

I'm in shock...again.

So another person has gotten engaged. This one's even a little closer to home since we knew each other better than some of the other people I know that have gotten engaged so far. Can't say that I didn't see it coming...just didn't expect it cuz you never even hinted at it over Christmas!! =P

Congrats to Dennis & Selene!

Dennis, I'm so happy for you. Even though we haven't kept as close of a contact recently, you're one of the few people I can think of that's encouraged me throughout high school in terms of academics & faith. God bless the both of you as you begin the rest of your lives together.

Here are the 2 lovebirds - hee, hee.


















I stole it off your imagestation, hope you don't mind. It's such a sweet picture...I love action shots!

QUOTES OF THE WEEK

L: "I'm not whooped...I'm just practicing how to be a good man"

If only all men had such a 'positive' mentality. *laughs*



Prof: "Describe this hemorrhage"
Student: "It's a hickey-shaped hemorrhage"

...And we're seeing our first patient how many weeks??

UPDATE CONTINUED…

5. Seasonal Allergies.
I’ve never had them prior to coming down to Chicago so when I was sneezing and tearing like crazy last year, I told myself to just tough it out cuz to buy drugs would be admitting that I did have allergies (I am so stubborn about stupid things). I probably shouldn’t self-diagnose but given that it’s spring and the general malaise I feel...I finally bought Claritin. I seem to sneeze less but the whole runny nose thing isn’t giving up. So future docs/pharm ppl – any new recommendations to alleviate my symptoms? Can I ever get rid of allergies? And why did I start getting them now? These are all answers that I should know from my own classes but I don’t pay attention cuz I find immunology confusing.

6. Crunch Time
So only 4 more weeks until I come home!! I’m so excited and yet at the same time, I’ve never dreaded coming back more. I want to see everyone – but realizing that I won’t get to. I want to spend time with family – but realizing that means that they’re leaving soon. I want to lounge around at home – but realizing that I won’t have a home after this visit. Getting to be an emotional basket case again. I need a hug…someone just hold me and tell me everything’s going to be okay.

7. Thankful
Was reminded once again just how much I need to be thankful for. I had a conversation with someone over the weekend that just totally amazed me. They were only a few years older than I was and yet, seemed to have lived a lifetime more than me already. I am so glad that they were willing to be so open with all their tough times…especially since some of them haven’t even passed. And yet, this person is filled with such hope and is able to have such a positive outlook; to be so thankful. Sometimes I look at our lives and I think just how comfortable we really are. We’re all in the same bubble…family who loves us, parents who work hard, good education, etc., etc. We have nothing to complain and be upset about. Honestly now. So why be frustrated or bitter?

8. Lost Boys of Sudan
It was through my conversation with this person that I first heard of the Lost Boys. How even though there are organizations to help send refugees over, these kids have no clue how to use a can opener to open the food that’s been donated. The things that they have witnessed and experienced themselves. Just hearing about this scares me…to think that at this moment, there is so much pain, hate and loss in other parts of the world. I was reading about this woman who got beaten to death in China for handing out Christian literature. She left behind a 4 yr old son. I mean, she can’t be much older than I am…if anything, she’s probably younger.

How can I justify living here so contently when there is so much more going on around me? How can I say that I believe in certain things when I do not put them into action? How much can I do...or rather, how much am I willing to do? These thoughts are so uncomfortable that I’d rather take the easy way out and just not think about it. Maybe if I ignore them enough, I can go back to the mentality that all other countries are similar to how we are and not real people; with real personalities and real feelings being lost.

“When you visit me in Sudan, I will buy you a cow”

And so the disparity continues to grow… Funny how the simplest things hold the most value. Kind of makes me wonder what I consider most valuable.

UPDATE

Okay…so it’s been a while since I’ve lasted posted. It was pretty busy after coming back from Vancouver because I had to make up for the 2 days that I missed, not to mention the tests just keep coming as well. Since we had a long weekend, I’ve had some time to reflect on a lot of things and although not everything is clear yet, I’ll try to articulate some current musings:


1. Lent
Now that my 40 days are over, I can finally surf blogs again. Man…the comments are just priceless. My suitemates think that I’m going crazy cuz I’d be alone in my room but laughing up a storm. Did what I just say sound sad?

Any way, I just realized that you guys head off to Europe the day after I get back. =( Which means:
a) I won’t get a chance to see y’all until…who knows when I’ll be back next
b) you guys will have to have the goodbye dinner with my parents without me. Unless you want to get together on the 13th after I get off the plane (which will literally be a midnight snack since I arrive at 11:30pm)

So this whole no reading blogs thing worked out pretty well. I still have a ton to reading to catch up on; goodness…I’ve already spent 2 hours and there’s still so much more.

I DID get to use various forms of communication to find out what’s going in people’s lives. Phone was the most popular, followed by e-mail. Which completely took me by surprise since I usually try to avoid e-mailing. But I think it’s cuz I’ve been so busy with school. It seemed like each time I tried to go on, I couldn’t stay on long enough for a decent conversation. But yea to keeping promises!


2. Response to comments on Ivan’s blog
I believe you can choose who to love. When you look at love, what it represents; commitment, trust, patience, etc. you as an individual will have to choose to do these things. It will not come naturally all the time. I do not consider these things acceptance. If I did these things simply because I accepted them, then they would’ve be done out of duty. But love means that I do these things because I place the other person well-being ahead of my own desires. I think that’s why so many relationships in our generation don’t work out – because we’re all so busy thinking about ourselves.

Anyways, the ‘love’ that you can’t choose; I actually consider initial attraction. You’re either initially attracted to them or you’re not. But that initial attraction doesn’t last and that’s why some arranged marriages can actually grow into love. At least that’s what I’d like to think.


3. Ethics & Temptation
Ever borrowed someone’s homework to double-check answers? Copied a lab assignment? Asked upper years what questions are on tests/exams/boards?

I remember when I was preparing for the optometry interview at Waterloo, one of the questions that was often asked was what would you do if your classmate fudged lab results. I also remember laughing because it’s something that happened all the time in undergrad. When I first came to Chicago, I commented on how ethics was being stressed (see Aug. 18th). I guess I never really thought about it again or the reprercussions until recently.

Administration has been coming down hard on the first years because there’s been evidence of plagiarism/cheating/falsifying records whatever you want to call it. I’m not going to lie – I’ve cheated throughout my academic career ever since I was kid without morose. Looking back, it makes my skin crawl to think of the things that I have done…and also to question my own integrity. I’d say that only within the last 2-3 years have I really tried to be more conscious about my actions. And you’d think that things would get easier the less you do them but it’s not.

When someone presents you with last years’ answers to double-check your assignment or suggest working together on on-line quizzes, I feel like it’s a constant battle between what’s easy and what’s right. Sometimes I am able to resist the temptation and sometimes I fail. But my decisions have more implications now because of my future profession. Sure, sharing answers don't seem like such a big deal - we're encouraged to help our colleagues. But if you don't have the moral backbone, how can people trust what you write on the medical records after graduation? Argh. Now I feel like I need to 'fess up on all the awful things I've done since I was little. Feeling nauseous cuz there's so many.


4. That lovin’ feeling
I was just thinking about the guys in my life…the ones you feel as though you have a pretty good understanding of – those whom you’ve known all your life and those whom you’ve only known in past little while. It’s funny how your image of them can change in a split second by something that they say in passing about someone they care about in that ‘special’ way. It brings a smile to my face when I see my friends so happy…just slightly odd because you’ve also never seen them act this way before. I’m so glad that people are willing to share with me, especially when they’re males. It’s reassuring to me as a female to know that men will react to women in the way that we’ve always desired them to respond. All it takes is the right woman! =P


This isn't even half of it...more thoughts to come.

GRANDPAS

Saw grandpa today. Really could see that he loved grandma and treated her well although he’s not the type to show his emotions. No crying. But he caressed her cheek and chin as she laid there while he placed a rose between her hands and just before they closed the casket, he bent over to give her a kiss farewell. There’s something about seeing the simple acts of love of a man for his wife expressed by my 91 year old grandpa that just breaks my heart.

Honestly, after 60 some-odd years of marriage, how will he handle being alone?

He can’t remember any details like what we just ate and yet, when we bring him back to the nursing home, he remembers which way the double room is that they stayed in prior to my grandma passing away and where the single room is he has to stay in now. He also remembers what day she died and the exact time too. And they say that Alzheimer patients don’t have short-term memory. I don’t believe that he forgot for a single second that she’s gone.

He even asked us for 20 dollars for entertainment because he doesn’t know where grandma placed all their savings.

I’m trying to hold on to every minute detail that I can about our time together. How soft his hands are. And how cold they are unless I warm them in my own hands. How when I kissed his hand, he kissed mine back. How he kissed me on the cheek when I asked for it in return for the 20 dollars and how he giggled like a schoolboy afterwards.

How as we walked to the car holding hands, he said that we were on a date and how he commented on us being 2 couples when he saw my parents up ahead holding hands too.
I’m trying to burn into my memory a picture of how his face lights up when I give him a kiss on the cheek and all the advice that he was willing to impart to me.

Everyone’s concerned about him now that my grandma’s gone. I’d like to think of him as the fighter that he’s always been; that he’d surprise us all. But a part of me can’t help but wonder as I see his shoulder droop lower and his spirited personality becoming more subdued as we return him back to the nursing home. Will this be the last time I get to interact with him? I hope not. He’s the only grandpa I have left. I miss my other grandpa so much right now…hard to believe it’s already been more than 5 years.

YES, AGAIN...

"There is no growth without change; there is no change without fear or loss; and there is no loss without pain" ~Rick Warren

My grandma (Dad's mom) passed away today. Flying to Vancouver once details are settled. I feel as though I've already gone through this process of life-changing events but I am once more faced with the dilemma. It seems that just as I was beginning to settle down and get comfortable, I am nudged to move just a little bit more.

Once I start thinking about all the changes that have happened since January, I start to panic and begin to wonder how much more is up ahead; there's a part of me that wants to scream 'it's only March'. I must focus on God - what He has done in my life and what His promises are. Didn't I just learn yesterday that God will not allow things to happen to us that are more than we can bear? And that in every situation, He provides/IS the way to stand up from under it? Hold fast to that Vanessa.

THANKS!

Some of you just know me waay too well =P Just wanted to say thanks for all those words of support & encouragement on Haloscan, msn, e-mail and phone conversations...I am so fortunate and so loved. To answer you questions about what happens when I come back to visit(of course I will Jeff!), I really don't know. I know I'll still have a home the next time I'm back and then after that, it's all up in the air. I'll be in Chicago for the summer any way because I have school, clinic & boards. Attempting the first part of my license in 19 weeks and seeing my first patient in 9 weeks - yikes! Let the countdowns begin.

I'm trying to remind myself not to worry about the little details because those will take care of themselves. That the boards exam is just a test, that each thing I don't know in clinic is another learning experience and not knowing what happens in the future is all part of this exciting journey we call life.
Of course, I gaurantee that I'll forget all this & panic many times but that's where I'm counting on all of you to keep me going! *grin*

My parents are coming down to visit next weekend. I'm so excited to be able to spend a little more time with them before they leave. The bad part is that I'm already dreading the seemingly long upcoming week and it hasn't even started yet.

40 Days is a long time. This whole Lent thing is harder than I thought it would be. I feel so disconnected from everyone cuz I have no idea what's going on in people's lives without reading blogs. Isn't that awful? How hard is it for me to pick up the phone and give a quick call to ask? Or even to chat on msn? Okay, I still have another 20 days to work on this!

TIME TO DROP ANOTHER BOMB

Dear friends,

I have just received confirmation that my dad has been selected to be a liason officer in China; Beijing to be exact. The post is for 2 years but has a high probability of being extended to 4 years. They have decided not to sell our home at the moment but rent it out instead and are scheduled to leave by the end of May.

I've hinted at this in my previous posts but I know this may come as a shock for everyone, because as usual, life changing decisions are kept quiet in our family. We have been praying for guidance, patience and for God's will to be done these past 8 months and so for this to happen is of great excitement for my parents.

In this time of changes, please pray:

- that our family will trust our Lord in whatever paths He has set out for us. There will be many challenges up ahead (details to figure out and new environment to get accustomed to); that we may draw closer to God and to each other because of it all.

- for all our loved ones in Toronto. That they may experience peace through this transition; especially those that my mom works with.

- that my parents will be greatly used by God. They have been equipped and are now being sent out. Pray that His Name be glorified.

EYEBALL

It's the time of year again where we get all dolled up and have a night of eating/dancing. This was better than last year because 1) it was at the aquarium and 2) I had a date!

I was looking through my pictures today and realized that I had more pictures of fishes than I did of people...oops! =P But I'll post them anyways...

Here are the dolphins doing tricks where we had our cocktail hour & the awards ceremony:


















Here's the beluga...kinda cute. I kept on singing "Baby beluga in the deep blue sea, swim so high & swim so free" until it breathed & spray hot air all over me. Guess it didn't like my singing.


















Here's the asian side of the table - haha. Cass was my hot date for the night! If you look at the background, you will notice this huge circular tank.

















We had a great view for the entire meal:
































We even had a scuba diver who did a presentation during dinner. Too bad you couldn't really hear what he was saying through all the heavy underwater breathing. But he fed all the fishies...you can see that he has a canister full of food in his right hand here:

















I had to take a picture of the dessert. Mine was a chocolate mousse inside a thin mixed chocolate shaped as a seashell. How fitting for the evening!


















At the end of the night, I took a centerpiece home. I heard that we could take the flowers but I'm actually not sure if I was allowed to take the vase too. I feel guilty not asking...but isn't this pretty?

WHAT’S NEW IN CHICAGO?

This has been a very relaxed week. I got to meet up with a few people for one-on-one quality chats and also got to spend time with friends. Most of all, got a lot of time to read and think. If only school was always like this! =P

I also got to go Blue Man group. It’s good but I had really high expectations because everyone hyped it up so much after seeing it last year. I think I would’ve been more enthused after the show if I went in not expecting anything. I can’t even really call it a show though; it’s more like ‘the Blue Man experience’ *laughs*. Go and then you’ll see what I mean. The seats we got were awesome – I got to sit in the front row, right smack in the center but I’m glad they provided ponchos for us to wear! I’d be interested to see it again somewhere else cuz I hear that they’re different depending on the city. I’m pretty sure they’re in Toronto too.

We had a private practice symposium on Friday which got me thinking again about my future. It’s always around this time of the year that my mind starts to skip ahead. I’m still debating whether to stay to do a year of residency after I graduate. I know I still have another year and half before I decide but after talking to one of the speakers, I definitely felt more of a tug in that direction. Hmm…will have to find more doctors to discuss and explore this area of possibility.
I also spoke to a few people to see if they were interested in hiring an international graduate. I’m not leaving Canada for good…I can already see Steph ready to say something! I was just putting it out there and trying to gauge the response. The commercial side is very open to sponsoring a visa but the private side seemed pretty hesitant, which I completely understand. It’d have to be a very match for them to be willing to go through all the paperwork and of course, I’d have to be very committed to staying in the States…which right now, is all up in the air.
I really don’t like schmoozing and networking but one of the people I spoke gave me such encouragement by telling me that I would be great with patients because of my personality. It gave me such hope that maybe I won’t be an absolutely terrible doctor after all.

I had so much fun yesterday. I met up with Kathy, Winston and Louis to paint Sharon’s apartment while she’s on vacation. It’s just great to have music playing, everyone talking and working towards accomplishing the same goal. And of course, being covered with paint and making a mess at the same time. I’m kind of excited to be at that stage of life where you do ‘adult’ things like fixing up a place of your own. But then it’s also very scary. I think I’ll just stick to enjoying where I am right at this moment… =)

P.S. I’m trying to avoid random surfing on the net as a part of Lent so I won’t be reading blogs but I’ll still post on my end. Hopefully I can keep updated about your lives through msn, e-mail & phone!

NEW QUARTER

A new start. What I love about the first day of class is that everyone's happy. There's an excited hum when you walk into the lecture centre and all your classmates are relaxed & energized to be back. I also love how I am always 100% focused on what the prof teaches. It's like every word actually makes perfect sense and sticks inside your head because there's nothing else cluttering it.

So because of the fire, my school decided to put plexiglass for rooms with broken windows to ensure our safety with all the weather changes. I was expecting them place it outside my window but I came back from Toronto to find this:
















It's so ugly. I've lost my window ledge (ie. extra storage space) and my room is in perpetual darkness cuz I can't change the blinds. And if you notice the white speck on the ledge, it's a dirty swiffer. It's driving me nuts but I can't get it out cuz the plexiglass sealed it tight. Oh well, at least I'm warmer now!

I've been really enjoying spontaneous prayer the past couple of days. It's so nice to be able to come before God with fellow brothers and sisters & just revel in God's presence. I just hope that as this quarter continues, I don't lose the joy of this and sight of of how important it is.

FINALLY!

Finally, the winter quarter is over and I’m back home. Finally, things are starting to look up. Finally, I feel more like myself again. Finally, I’m posting! Finally.

Most of you think that I’ve dropped off the face of the earth…at least in the personal sense. This is because I’ve been dealing with a lot of different things and didn’t really feel comfortable seeing people; much less sharing.

I had mentioned in a previous post that I was going through some ‘growing pains’. I don’t know if I’ve grown any but I can definitely looking back on this period with gladness. I was at church last sunday and just overwhelmed to tears by how much God has been moving in my life this past little while – all I can do is be thankful.

Heh…tears. Had a lot of those too. I remember talking to Simon on the phone and I told him that I cried more in the past little while than I had in the past 5 years. He said it was impossible cuz that would mean that I was crying at that moment…and I was. I went through a period of depression/sadness/melancholy; whatever you want to call it. It was to the point where I was crying almost every other day and sometimes several times in one day.

I have my life organized into neat little compartments and it works well because I know exactly what’s going on. The walls of these little compartments started to fall apart and I was completely at a loss as to what to do – family, friends, school, class rep, church, etcetera…etcetera. There’s been a lot of changes that are on the go and I always prided myself in being able to handle things as they come…ahh pride.

So I mentioned changes and our family is one that’s been going through a lot lately. I’ve been trying to come to terms with things these past few months and one of them is learning how to let go of my parents. So often we say our parents need to let go of us; to let us be adults and make our own mistakes. But I realized that a part of me also holds on to my parents in that same manner. And so this has a period of trying to ‘grow up’ and let go…without detaching myself emotionally. That I can still love them, but I need to learn to show it in a different way.

So this quarter academically was the worst ever. Never mind Dean’s List…I got THREE letters in my mailbox notifying me that my grades were unsatisfactory halfway through the quarter. Pride. It hurt. Last year, I was struggling not put all my emphasis on marks. To not let ‘doing well’ in school define who I was. But I thought I was doing great in school, I thought I could handle it. Heck, that one of the reasons why I had gone for class rep.

Class rep. The responsibilities were more than I thought! It’s more than setting test & exam schedules. It’s more than listening to classmates’ complaints and doing something about it. It’s more than planning for our next year and improving the way for classes after us. It’s trying to convey & maintain that level of love and concern for 152 different people…and it felt like I was failing miserably in that department as well.

Also, when I signed on for class rep, I didn’t realize that it meant I was also part of the Student Association. I didn’t plan on partaking in different committees, coordinating school events and partaking in every single thing. *laughs* Don’t get me wrong. I’m enjoying every moment and I’m not asking for any changes or perks. I love the fact that I get to see a different side of the school. I love how much administration really tries to care for its students. I love the fact that I get e-mails every day with a new challenge and learning the problem-solve in the ‘proper’ manner. But I had expected and wanted to only serve my classmates and I realize now how selfish I was…that when you serve, you can’t pick & choose who to care about. I needed to serve the entire school…that’s what a community is all about.

Friends. With all that’s been going on in my life recently, this is the one compartment that I’m most disappointed in myself. Whenever I face tough times ahead, I go into hermit mode and clam up. I don’t share my thoughts or struggles. This happened with optometry interviews & choosing schools…and it happened again now. My mom was asking me how certain people were doing, and I am so ashamed to say that because I was so caught up in my own things, I never took the time to be concerned about them. I sit here and honestly have no clue what has happened in the past 2 months to those around me.

I had an awesome community back at home praying for me, and I don’t think I realized just how strong it was until I came back. As I was going through all this, I knew that God was answering my prayers and yet, at the same time I resented their concern and rejected their love.

So that’s pretty much sums up all that’s been going on. Thanks to all of you who made it through this entire post; you either really care or you’re really bored. I prefer to think it’s the former *grin*
As awful as it’s been…it’s also been the best in the sense that I knew that God was at work even though I was frustrated with how things were progressing. It was a time of refinement and He reminded me through His Word again & again just so that I wouldn’t forget. So I’ll leave you with that passage:

“May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.” ~1 Thess 5:23