NEW QUARTER
A new start. What I love about the first day of class is that everyone's happy. There's an excited hum when you walk into the lecture centre and all your classmates are relaxed & energized to be back. I also love how I am always 100% focused on what the prof teaches. It's like every word actually makes perfect sense and sticks inside your head because there's nothing else cluttering it.
So because of the fire, my school decided to put plexiglass for rooms with broken windows to ensure our safety with all the weather changes. I was expecting them place it outside my window but I came back from Toronto to find this:
It's so ugly. I've lost my window ledge (ie. extra storage space) and my room is in perpetual darkness cuz I can't change the blinds. And if you notice the white speck on the ledge, it's a dirty swiffer. It's driving me nuts but I can't get it out cuz the plexiglass sealed it tight. Oh well, at least I'm warmer now!
I've been really enjoying spontaneous prayer the past couple of days. It's so nice to be able to come before God with fellow brothers and sisters & just revel in God's presence. I just hope that as this quarter continues, I don't lose the joy of this and sight of of how important it is.
FINALLY!
Finally, the winter quarter is over and I’m back home. Finally, things are starting to look up. Finally, I feel more like myself again. Finally, I’m posting! Finally.
Most of you think that I’ve dropped off the face of the earth…at least in the personal sense. This is because I’ve been dealing with a lot of different things and didn’t really feel comfortable seeing people; much less sharing.
I had mentioned in a previous post that I was going through some ‘growing pains’. I don’t know if I’ve grown any but I can definitely looking back on this period with gladness. I was at church last sunday and just overwhelmed to tears by how much God has been moving in my life this past little while – all I can do is be thankful.
Heh…tears. Had a lot of those too. I remember talking to Simon on the phone and I told him that I cried more in the past little while than I had in the past 5 years. He said it was impossible cuz that would mean that I was crying at that moment…and I was. I went through a period of depression/sadness/melancholy; whatever you want to call it. It was to the point where I was crying almost every other day and sometimes several times in one day.
I have my life organized into neat little compartments and it works well because I know exactly what’s going on. The walls of these little compartments started to fall apart and I was completely at a loss as to what to do – family, friends, school, class rep, church, etcetera…etcetera. There’s been a lot of changes that are on the go and I always prided myself in being able to handle things as they come…ahh pride.
So I mentioned changes and our family is one that’s been going through a lot lately. I’ve been trying to come to terms with things these past few months and one of them is learning how to let go of my parents. So often we say our parents need to let go of us; to let us be adults and make our own mistakes. But I realized that a part of me also holds on to my parents in that same manner. And so this has a period of trying to ‘grow up’ and let go…without detaching myself emotionally. That I can still love them, but I need to learn to show it in a different way.
So this quarter academically was the worst ever. Never mind Dean’s List…I got THREE letters in my mailbox notifying me that my grades were unsatisfactory halfway through the quarter. Pride. It hurt. Last year, I was struggling not put all my emphasis on marks. To not let ‘doing well’ in school define who I was. But I thought I was doing great in school, I thought I could handle it. Heck, that one of the reasons why I had gone for class rep.
Class rep. The responsibilities were more than I thought! It’s more than setting test & exam schedules. It’s more than listening to classmates’ complaints and doing something about it. It’s more than planning for our next year and improving the way for classes after us. It’s trying to convey & maintain that level of love and concern for 152 different people…and it felt like I was failing miserably in that department as well.
Also, when I signed on for class rep, I didn’t realize that it meant I was also part of the Student Association. I didn’t plan on partaking in different committees, coordinating school events and partaking in every single thing. *laughs* Don’t get me wrong. I’m enjoying every moment and I’m not asking for any changes or perks. I love the fact that I get to see a different side of the school. I love how much administration really tries to care for its students. I love the fact that I get e-mails every day with a new challenge and learning the problem-solve in the ‘proper’ manner. But I had expected and wanted to only serve my classmates and I realize now how selfish I was…that when you serve, you can’t pick & choose who to care about. I needed to serve the entire school…that’s what a community is all about.
Friends. With all that’s been going on in my life recently, this is the one compartment that I’m most disappointed in myself. Whenever I face tough times ahead, I go into hermit mode and clam up. I don’t share my thoughts or struggles. This happened with optometry interviews & choosing schools…and it happened again now. My mom was asking me how certain people were doing, and I am so ashamed to say that because I was so caught up in my own things, I never took the time to be concerned about them. I sit here and honestly have no clue what has happened in the past 2 months to those around me.
I had an awesome community back at home praying for me, and I don’t think I realized just how strong it was until I came back. As I was going through all this, I knew that God was answering my prayers and yet, at the same time I resented their concern and rejected their love.
So that’s pretty much sums up all that’s been going on. Thanks to all of you who made it through this entire post; you either really care or you’re really bored. I prefer to think it’s the former *grin*
As awful as it’s been…it’s also been the best in the sense that I knew that God was at work even though I was frustrated with how things were progressing. It was a time of refinement and He reminded me through His Word again & again just so that I wouldn’t forget. So I’ll leave you with that passage:
“May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.” ~1 Thess 5:23