INDEPENDENCE
I realized that I haven't updated in a week. It's been relaxed and busy the same time. Relaxed cuz school work hasn't piled yet but busy cuz of errands. I was just telling my mom last nite how I'm actually kind of glad that my parents went to China. This will probably come off sounding selfish but I feel like I'm finally starting to become an adult.
I moved into my apartment upstairs (I wanted to take a picture but I think I broke my digital camera). The move wasn't easy and I think I twisted my hip cuz it feels real funny but I did it pretty much all by myself - even the heavy bookshelf & TV. I know it sounds silly but I'm proud of this. If my parents were in T.O., I know that they would've come down to help me as they've always done with every move I've ever made. And I, as usual, would've just let them do everything. I'm beginning to realize how spoiled I am by my parents. How will this carry on through the rest of my life?
I actually went grocery shopping yesterday - REAL groceries! I got mangos and pears, chinese cooking sauces, 'guy lan', rice, tofu - even pork!! I'm so proud of myself, buying raw meat always seemed like a big cooking milestone to me. I also skipped the snack aisle. Well...almost. I had to get the rice crackers, they were calling. But I didn't wander around looking at the different snacks like I normally do. If my parents were here, they would've bought the food for me too...and I wouldn't have paid attention as to what to get. Now I'm actually trying to learn for myself! The excitement is coming from its novelty...I'm sure going grocery shopping will feel like a chore at some point in my life. The next step will be to actually COOK the food =P. I'll let you know how it goes.
NERD!
So saw my very first patient today - it was not bad at all. Took longer a lot longer than it technically should have; I think this will be my major weakness. Must learn to be more efficient...I think this has always been a problem of mine though. I enjoy taking my time & don't like to be rushed.
I got so excited that I came back home and immediately started reading up on treatment options for my case and also a classmate's case that I overheard. I think I'm going to like this whole clinic idea even though there is still so much I don't know.
In my haste to post my panic yesterday, I neglected to put down some of the things that I had time to reflect on over the weekend.
1.
Same old struggle of how to live in this world but not be of this world. Friday night was our class bash. It was lots of fun and so great to hang out with classmates that's not my usual group but I find myself deliberately holding back from really trying to get to know others.
One of my classmates made the comment of how she can see that some of the friendships she's made here lasting a long time and I don't think I can say the same thing. Why is that? How do I reconcile the knowledge that I am required to be completely here in this moment and the feeling that all things are temporary?
2.
Helped out with convocation. It's crazy to see people that I looked up to during my first year going through the ceremonies to be finally called a doctor. I seriously thought that it wasn't going to phase me but when the valedictorian started to choke up during his speech - it was over for me. And to think that we are now in their same shoes as when I first met them...that it will be all of us in a short amount of time...
Hard to believe that I've already been in Chicago for 2 years; did time really go by that quickly?
3.
Started to wonder how much I've changed these past 2 years - if I was still growing. It seems harder to judge when it's no longer this sudden, exponential difference; but obviously it's easier to tell when you go from black to white. I'd like to hope that I am. I find that the challenges are more subtle now...which actually makes it seem even more difficult. Although it's probably all a matter of perspective.
If I could separate the phases on a graph, I'd label the first part 'who I am no longer'. Hence why it was easy to see the changes. I feel as though I am now in the phase of discovering/appreciating 'who I am made to be' which makes it more ambiguous yet also more exciting.
4.
Was rebuked by two wonderful ladies during lunch yesterday for doubting the commitment I made. I was reminded of how dangerous it was to even make casual comments because when said out loud; it becomes reinforced. I've already been trying to watch what I say to the point where most people think I'm just a quiet individual because I keep so many thoughts to myself. If I keep this up, they'll probably think I'm mute. Yet another dilemma =P
5.
I am so incredibly loved. I so often forget to look around and see the love that surrounds me. I take it for granted - thinking that it's normal and forgetting to appreciate the effort & sacrifice others put in. An uncle & aunt (just family friends...no relations) came down this weekend to help me out, offering their time and services because my parents are now away. They have gone above and beyond...literally treating me like their flesh & blood. I can't imagine people other than my parents, doing what they've done for me.
I don't deserve this. I honestly don't deserve anything. Why am I so blessed? It's a stupid question, one that shouldn't even be asked. So instead I give thanks. And ask to be humbled. That I can love others as I have been loved.
I WANT TO HURL
I'm seeing my first patient tomorrow. The thought is making my stomach queasy. Seriously, I want to throw up. AHHH! I know my stuff...I KNOW I do. I know enough to get through the exam. But why are my fingers are shaking as I type this?
I can't let my nerves get the best of me. That's how I'm going to screw up. If I act confident, I'll be fine. I know I will. I'm just not very confident at the moment.
Reminds me of all those stupid piano competitions. If I am confident, I do well. If I allow myself to get nervous, I mess up. Can't...Be...Nervous!
Okay, let's change the subject.
Did 25 km on a bike today for The American Cancer Society. We finished in 2 hrs...apparently, that's not very good time. Oh well, I'm just proud I finished it. =P I actually reached the point where it was easier on my legs to ride instead of walk. It was kind of cool that if I pushed myself hard enough, the pain goes away after a while. Of course, I am SOO incredibly sore right now and I know it's just going to worse tomorrow. I don't think I've ever felt my muscles cramp up like this before. How am I suppose to wear heels for clinic tomorrow?!! Just like me to not think ahead prior to signing up for something.
The few days I was back were bittersweet. I cried every single day. I think crying has become a normal response for me now. It never used to be this way. I use to throw temper tantrums instead. i guess this is better; easier to manage.
Any way, I haven't missed my parents as much as I thought ever since coming back. I had my day of 'mourning' after the plane ride but even then, I've had a sense of peace through it all. I think it was cuz of Scripture and also the reminder I got that if I don't focus on where God has placed me, I'm going to miss all the opportunities He's given. Praise God for keeping me so busy since I've been back that I haven't even really had time to wallow in self-pity. It has helped to keep my focus on what's ahead (and above! *wink*)
I've been meditating on the words of Psalm 103 recently. Take a gander if you will; perhaps you may find joy and peace in them as well. =)
ohh...Since Iv posted his availability. I'll do that too!
May 27-May 29 (Memorial day weekend - US equivalent to May 2-4)
July 1-July 5 (nothing; not even clinic!)
Aug 3-Aug 10 (no classes, just clinic)
Aug 11 - Aug 20 (completely free/clinic maybe? Discrepency between calender & student guide; I should probably verify that)
ARGH!
So I just found out that I have to be in clinic during my break weeks too.
I'm so bummed out. There goes my plans for visiting Beijing in August. And was just going through all this trouble yesterday trying to switch times with people so that I could maybe squeeze in 2 1/2 weeks there.
I can't even visit my godmother in Vancouver in November now...at least, I can't make any definite plans until the clinic schedule for Winter quarter comes out.
=( And I won't see my parents until Christmas...there goes my hopes of going to Urbana '06.
Okay...gotta think positive:
At least now I know that parents going to China and my not having a home in T.O. wouldn't have mattered any way since I have no more breaks until I graduate.
See? It all works out in the end.
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Okay...saw this and it cheered me up. What is it about tiny cuteness that brings a smile to our faces? =)
ADVERTISING
Has anyone seen the Milky Way Commercial? Not top of my commercial list but I had to laugh the first time I saw it.
Now I realize that by blogging about it I am inadvertently supporting this product. I don't like advertising in general because it's promoting consumerism and the idea that you can find satisfaction through material things. However, I certainly appreciate good ads for their sheer ingenuity. I love seeing creativity being applied and having them work out...(and those 'wassup' commercials were NOT creative - just annoying!)
While trying to find the link online, I stumbled across several discussions on this commercial. It's interesting to see the mixed reactions - I found it funny but some people found it disturbing and others found it offensive/appalling. Maybe I'm just desensitized. Either way, it's fun to see that people can read so much into it, from feminism to sexual innuendos. But I guess that's what creative things do...they spark discussion.
CONTINUATION OF COMMENTS
I started to reply and realized it was too long so decided to make it into a post. We can continue our discussion here instead =P
Ivan, here's the link to the magazine: http://www.sbts.edu/resources/publications/magazine/2005Winter.pdf
It's interesting that Ivan should mention a skit with that storyline because I saw a similar one in undergrad. I have to admit that the idea that someone doesn't go to heaven simply because they weren't exposed to God didn't sit well with me either and IS taking me a while to come to terms with it.
From where I stand at this point, I think the whole idea is not that some people will be exposed to God, some will not and we will be judged according to this. More that we, as individuals, have been exposed to God, to Jesus, to His death and ressurection, and to the Holy Spirit.
We're not in the category of people that has never heard of the gospel and so we have the CHOICE to believe that He died for our sins or not, to have faith so to speak. For those who fall in the category who have not been exposed to God, who knows? Honestly, we're not God...who are we to say who's going to heaven and who's not when Jesus returns.
And I believe that the forgiveness of sins is central to ANY Christian doctrine. The whole point why we believe in Jesus is because we recognize that we're sinners, fully understand that this displeases God and are in need of Jesus' salvation.
I always think back to the Apostles' Creed that we learnt as a kid when I think about what it is that I believe. Although I never fully comprehended the part that said " I believe in the holy catholic church: the communion of saints".
Kind of along the lines of what Cam & Simon said; why would we pray to the church when it's an institution created by mankind? And it's the same idea as praying to the saints. We're all humans, it'll be like me praying to my parents...they're not God. Just things that I wonder about. Now that I think about it, praying to the saints was one thing that I never noticed that we did as Catholics until high school.
Anyway, maybe I should clarify. There's a danger of thinking that 'if I'm a good person I will go to heaven' just as there's a danger to SAY that you believe without ACTING out what you believe.
I say that there's a danger of thinking that we're good people and therefore will go to heaven because I question our reasons for doing good deeds. If we honestly ask ourselves, I believe that a lot of times, we do good things for selfish reasons...at least I do. I do good things because I want others to like me, so that people would admire me and think highly of me or I do good things because it helps me achieve my own goals and I get satisfaction out of it.
How many times do I do these good deeds because I just care? Or an even a higher standard would be, how many times do I act in this way because GOD expects me to? I say this is held higher because I find it very difficult to have God be the motivating force behind the way I act.
At the same time, I don't want to be someone who is all talk and no action. This verse from the book of Matthew has been on my heart recently. Jesus said:
"Not everyone who says to me 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles? Then I will tell them plainly, I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers." ~Matthew 7:21-23
It kind of scares me because I know that I do this. I call Jesus my Lord, my Saviour and yet, I wonder if doing the things that I think are good and godly is what I really should be doing. Am I doing the will of my Father in heaven? Will He turn me away on judgement day? Do you guys ever wonder like this?
Yikes! Don't you think that this is all the more reason that we need to have a closer relationship with Him and read the Bible more? Otherwise, how else are we suppose to know? I need to pray more consistently throughout the day...that I may trust and obey - to have that kind of faith that we speak so highly of.
Dust: it's really purgatory first ;) Don't Catholics get to go to heaven only if enough people are praying for them? I vaguely remember learning that accumulation of prayers is needed and that's why we pray for our dead.
MATURITY...
So I was just surfing blogs and came across Kobie's. I gotta say, the guys I interact with continue to amaze me - what you think & how you feel and how awesome it is when you actually allow yourselves to be vulnerable and open. After reading that post, it kind of made me step back and reflect how I look at life.
Don't you ever think that we have such a childish perspective in the sense that we're always looking out for ourselves? That our decisions only affect us. I think that true maturity starts to reveal itself when we think of how our actions and their consequences will affect others.
I was reading about maturity recently; more specifically when a boy becomes a man in an article by Albert Mohler. It's an interesting read and the magazine also touches upon the importance of the father figure in a man's life. I wish there's more stuff like this for females. It mentioned one thing about the role of wives which I think is very challenging. Anyway, I've always liked looking at the differences between men & women...I guess most people are; both genders totally find each other a mystery (hence the reason for attraction in the first place no doubt).
A great analogy came up recently in a conversation that I thought works pretty well. We should simply looked at the opposite gender as a piece of art. We know it's meant to be beautiful and creative, we just don't have the knowledge to fully appreciated all that. But we can continue to look at the little subtleties and find new things to study and learn...and sometimes, it's just meant to be enjoyed.
On a completely different note:
Have you ever wondered what the difference was between Catholic and Protestant theologies? I came across a site that sort of summarized a conference talk on justification. Most of it was over my head - the idea of being saved by faith alone vs. faith + works.
Catholics believe that there needs to be both, but I find that there's a danger on emphasizing works and so often, the more important aspect of faith is overshadowed. Hence the general belief that "If I'm a good person, I will go to heaven".
The Protestant doctrine believes that faith alone will save you. Although "justification is not accomplished by a profession of faith. It is the posession of faith, not the profession of it, that saves. We must not give people a false sense of security by making them believe a profession is enough!"
Saying that you believe is easier than actually living a life that demonstrates WHO you have faith in...and even then, I find it difficult just to profess. This idea of posessing faith is going to take a life-time to perfect. I still maintain that Catholics have very similar views to Protestant - at least on paper. In practice however, different things are emphasized. If anyone's interested in discussing my thoughts in more detail, just bring it up the next time we see each other. I need to get ready for class now.