THE SIMPLE LIFE

NERD!

So saw my very first patient today - it was not bad at all. Took longer a lot longer than it technically should have; I think this will be my major weakness. Must learn to be more efficient...I think this has always been a problem of mine though. I enjoy taking my time & don't like to be rushed.

I got so excited that I came back home and immediately started reading up on treatment options for my case and also a classmate's case that I overheard. I think I'm going to like this whole clinic idea even though there is still so much I don't know.

In my haste to post my panic yesterday, I neglected to put down some of the things that I had time to reflect on over the weekend.

1.
Same old struggle of how to live in this world but not be of this world. Friday night was our class bash. It was lots of fun and so great to hang out with classmates that's not my usual group but I find myself deliberately holding back from really trying to get to know others.

One of my classmates made the comment of how she can see that some of the friendships she's made here lasting a long time and I don't think I can say the same thing. Why is that? How do I reconcile the knowledge that I am required to be completely here in this moment and the feeling that all things are temporary?

2.
Helped out with convocation. It's crazy to see people that I looked up to during my first year going through the ceremonies to be finally called a doctor. I seriously thought that it wasn't going to phase me but when the valedictorian started to choke up during his speech - it was over for me. And to think that we are now in their same shoes as when I first met them...that it will be all of us in a short amount of time...

Hard to believe that I've already been in Chicago for 2 years; did time really go by that quickly?

3.
Started to wonder how much I've changed these past 2 years - if I was still growing. It seems harder to judge when it's no longer this sudden, exponential difference; but obviously it's easier to tell when you go from black to white. I'd like to hope that I am. I find that the challenges are more subtle now...which actually makes it seem even more difficult. Although it's probably all a matter of perspective.

If I could separate the phases on a graph, I'd label the first part 'who I am no longer'. Hence why it was easy to see the changes. I feel as though I am now in the phase of discovering/appreciating 'who I am made to be' which makes it more ambiguous yet also more exciting.

4.
Was rebuked by two wonderful ladies during lunch yesterday for doubting the commitment I made. I was reminded of how dangerous it was to even make casual comments because when said out loud; it becomes reinforced. I've already been trying to watch what I say to the point where most people think I'm just a quiet individual because I keep so many thoughts to myself. If I keep this up, they'll probably think I'm mute. Yet another dilemma =P

5.
I am so incredibly loved. I so often forget to look around and see the love that surrounds me. I take it for granted - thinking that it's normal and forgetting to appreciate the effort & sacrifice others put in. An uncle & aunt (just family friends...no relations) came down this weekend to help me out, offering their time and services because my parents are now away. They have gone above and beyond...literally treating me like their flesh & blood. I can't imagine people other than my parents, doing what they've done for me.

I don't deserve this. I honestly don't deserve anything. Why am I so blessed? It's a stupid question, one that shouldn't even be asked. So instead I give thanks. And ask to be humbled. That I can love others as I have been loved.