LOVE HURTS
Today I realized that the longer I stayed with Sanctuary, the more I got involved, the more involved things will get. I know that to love someone means to love until it hurts but God was never so obvious in challenging me with this until tonight.
I spent time with M**** today. It was very different from last week. No mischievous gleam in his eye, no friendly banter. I felt as though he was so tired, he wasn’t going to put up a front; as though he was saying “this is how I am, this is how it is”.
His arm and hand was horribly swollen, as if someone decided to pump a jugful of water. The doctors don’t know what’s wrong yet but they’re giving him a buffet of things to take. I could see marks on his hand where the skin was being stretched beyond what it’s used to. It’s me Vanessa. Will you still love me when I’m disfigured?
He didn’t bother hiding his beer from me, just tucking it out of sight from anyone who may complain about his consumption in public. He also began to share with me his drinking habits. It’s me Vanessa. Will you still love me when I’m deliberately doing things to destroy myself?
His breath smelled of alcohol. His teeth was worst than last time. His clothes seemed more soiled. He brought me back to his place, and the stench of bleach attempting to mask other odors overwhelmed me. He told me of how the carpet was infested with mites and of the sounds you hear when you squish one. It’s me Vanessa. Will you still love me when I am dirty?
We sat on a bench. I noticed for the first time that his nose was runny, dripping onto his vest. His jean shorts had holes. His shoes where beyond worn. Socks that he only wore for 3 hrs were black on the sole. He took them off and went barefoot. I felt like I was really seeing him for the first time as others would see him - “a bum”. It’s me Vanessa. Will you still love me?
I remember how Greg mentioned in his book not only being Jesus but SEEING Jesus. The moment I tried to see Jesus was the moment I felt Jesus say to me, “You said you loved me, but I am like this – will you still love me?”
God, it hurts! It hurts to see someone like this. Someone who you felt you connected to and knew a little bit about, only to realize there was a whole other life that you are just beginning to see.
Most of all, it hurts to know that I couldn’t love wholeheartedly – that it was easier to hug someone you barely knew anything about last week than it was this week, once you see a different side of them. It hurts because I had hesitated before giving that same hug.
It hurts when who you really are is revealed in a moment’s delay.
Brings a whole new meaning to the term “Love hurts”.
CURRENT THOUGHTS
I realize that it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything. Many different thoughts swarm my mind, all of which I’m trying to grasp and process:
1. There’s been so much talk of community recently. I feel drawn to its power and yet the same time, disgusted by its frequent use. I believe that a community is more than just a group of people living in the same geographical area or being of similar socialeconomical/ethnic background, merely sharing similar interests. As Alan from Sanctuary describes “it’s a network of relationships” and I think that’s the keyword that is often lacking in our so-called communities – RELATIONSHIPS.
2. What does it mean to have a relationship with someone? It’s having a connection with someone not based on hobbies or personal gain but a connection that’s founded in love; the deep type of love where you have their sole interest at heart. I think we’ve all had liaisons which are formed due to convenience…classmates or coworkers that we hang out with and share daily happenings. However, these encounters rarely go beyond the surface to become relationships. How many in your past group of classmates or coworkers would you actually turn to in your time of need? How many do you actually keep in touch with on a regular basis, instead of the occasional e-mail and get-together?
3. The weird part is that we are such relational creatures. We yearn for a deeper interaction and yet, are unwilling to put in the time and effort to create these connections. Again and again, we’d rather settle for meritocracy. Perhaps it’s because we’re so use to being in an environment where success is based on efficiency. “Time is money” is our mantra. What is the most you can do in the least amount of time? How can we get ‘the most bang for our buck’ so to speak? As Alan reiterated, relationships are inefficient. You could spend 6 hours with someone and not learn anything new. The more I think about it, the more I realize our value system is so terribly skewed. It’s hard to explain all this to people sometimes.
4. I’ve been told on 2 different occasions this weekend that I’ve changed. Auntie Belinda said that I think too much, that it’ll be difficult for me to go through life because I’m always so serious. That I’ve gotten quiet. That it’s not a crime to be happy and joke around. That I should be concerned about taking care of myself - my face, my hair, my body, my clothes. Vivek said that I’m all grown-up. Gary and I barely talk.
Is it a bad thing to change? I realize that I don’t laugh nearly as much as I used to but things that I once found funny no longer amuse me. Things done in a drunken stupor are not tales of glory anymore. I’ve also began to realize that talking about others merely reflect my own insecurities. And rather then make a joke of them, I’d rather examine myself.
While people seem to think that I’m getting older, I feel as though I’m a real kid for the first time. I’m realizing just how small I really am and just how much I really don’t know. It’s exciting, as though I’m finally looking at the world with my own eyes instead of being oblivious to all that’s around me. And frankly, it’s more exciting that finding out a new fad to remove an unsightly pimple. If questioning what we value as important and being in awe the immensity of the universe makes me serious than so be it.
5. Uncle Ray and my mother have both been harboring on my love life, or lack thereof. My mother has been more indirect – only stating her concern with my recent choices of books with the word ‘singleness’ in the title. *laughs* Uncle Ray on the other hand, asked straight up where all the guys were and why they were not breaking down my door. How to explain to an uncle who believes that you should always have a string of men ready at hand? I tried to explain the mentality of males who are in my stage of life versus my 16 year-old cousin’s but I have an inkling he’s disappointed that I’m not trying hard enough to snag a couple good catches.
6. On the topic of family, let’s see what else…Oh! The need to compare to a sibling. The hurt that results from a lack of attention. The unshared responsibilities of taking care of aging parents. All of these cause years of bitterness and pain that only serve to drive family members further apart from each other. I have more feelings than words right now on this particular issue. Maybe once I sort things out a little more I will blog again on this.
That’s all for now. I actually have a ton more to share but it’s getting late and I have a fly out to Vancouver tomorrow.
BLOGS
Ever wonder who reads your blogs? Well, I read them. Rarely do I go a day without checking at least one site. Most of the time, I start reading and the next thing I know, an hour has gone by. Is this bad? I have a friend who believes it's a waste of time...that more productive things could be done instead of sitting in front of a computer screen. To a certain level, I have to agree. I could be doing my part to change the world! But if you compare the amount of time I spend reading blogs to some people watching t.v. shows and other people playing video games; I'd like to think of mine as being slightly more beneficial.
I enjoy reading what others have to say, what's been going on in their lives and what thoughts go through their heads. Mainly because I find that a lot of times there are things that go on that aren't spoken when we meet. Perhaps most people find it easier to write things down then it is to speak up, particularly since there's no immediate reaction from the audience that you're forced to witness and endure.
Then there are pages that belong to friends of friends. I'm not some creep/stalker (at least I hope I'm not coming off that way...) These are merely people whose names I've heard mentioned by my friends on occasion or whom I may have met only once or twice in passing. It's actually these sites that I find the most interesting. Not so much as to what's going on in their lives since I don't know them very well. What I find interesting is how they are able to see things from a completely different perspective. A lot of times I find that the image I have of these people from what my friends tell me or from what I gathered from briefly meeting them are slightly/very different from the person they portray in their writings. Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't a person the most honest in their writings?
Anyway, the reason I brought this up was because I came across the blogs of two different women, who just by blogging about their random days to their friends , have inadvertently made an impact on my life. In their daily struggles I admire their strength, their insight and just how their faithfulness shines through.
How awesome would it be if someone could be challenged or encouraged every time they read my blog?
MORE ON-LINE QUIZZES!
I spent last nite with some friends doing on-line quizzes...there was one that I was intrigued with so I decided to take a slightly more detailed one. It's the Meyer-Briggs personality test. Here are the results:
Your Type is ESFJ
Extroverted/Sensing/ Feeling/ Judging
You are:
-slightly expressed extrovert
-moderately expressed sensing personality
-distinctively expressed feeling personality
-moderately expressed judging personality
Guardians of birthdays, holidays and celebrations, ESFJs are generous entertainers. They enjoy and joyfully observe traditions and are liberal in giving, especially where custom prescribes.
*Hmm...I always thought of myself as cheap*
All else being equal, ESFJs enjoy being in charge. They see problems clearly and delegate easily, work hard and play with zest. ESFJs, as do most SJs, bear strong allegiance to rights of seniority. They willingly provide service (which embodies life's meaning) and expect the same from others. *I'm controlling? Never!*
ESFJs are easily wounded. And when wounded, their emotions will not be contained. They by nature "wear their hearts on their sleeves," often exuding warmth and bonhomie, but not infrequently boiling over with the vexation of their souls. Some ESFJs channel these vibrant emotions into moving dramatic performances on stage and screen.
*I'm emotional? Who would've thought!*
Strong, contradictory forces consume the ESFJ. Their sense of right and wrong wrestles with an overwhelming rescuing, 'mothering' drive. This sometimes results in swift, immediate action taken upon a transgressor, followed by stern reprimand; ultimately, however, the prodigal is wrested from the gallows of their folly, just as the noose tightens and all hope is lost, by the very executioner!
*I'm ruthless yet forgiving?? ...better watch your back!*
An ESFJ at odds with self is a remarkable sight. When a decision must be made, especially one involving the risk of conflict (abhorrent to ESFJs), there ensues an in-house wrestling match between the aforementioned black-and-white Values and the Nemesis of Discord. The contender pits self against self, once firmly deciding with the Right, then switching to Prudence to forestall hostilities, countered by unswerving Values, ad exhaustium, winner take all.
*What? No clue what this was talking about...*
As caretakers, ESFJs sense danger all around--germs within, the elements without, unscrupulous malefactors, insidious character flaws. The world is a dangerous place, not to be trusted. Not that the ESFJ is paranoid; 'hyper-vigilant' would be more precise. And thus they serve excellently as protectors, outstanding in fields such as medical care and elementary education.
*At least they got my top 2 career choices right!*
Famous ESFJs:
Bill Clinton
Mary Tyler Moore
Dixie Carter (Designing Women)
Sally Field
Danny Glover, actor (Lethal Weapon movies, Predator 2)
Nancy Kerrigan (U.S. olympic figureskater)
Elvis Stojko (Canadian olympic figureskater)
Fictional ESFJs:
Monica (Friends)
Donald Duck
Rabbit, Winnie the Pooh
Babbitt (Sinclair Lewis)
Leonard "Bones" McCoy (Star Trek)
Haleh (ER)
I don't know know how much I'd agree with it. You guys all know me to a certain degree...Let me know what you think!
ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES
Just went to a presentation for Canadian students to discuss our options after grad. Many thoughts cloud my mind:
-how important is scope of practice to me?
-go into residency or work?
-If work: corporate practice, private practice or academia?
-Most importantly: stay in the States or go back to Canada?
I'm am fortunate to have so many opportunities and yet...
...anxiety.
....fear of the unknown.
What's happened? Why am I no longer excited? When did I start losing the desire to try new things? to learn? to strive for more?
When did I start to settle?
I need to retreat...a time to re-energize. To refocus on why I am WHERE I am. And WHO I am.
"Consult not your fears but your hopes and your dreams. Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not with what you tried and failed in, but with what it is still possible for you to do." ~Pope John XXIII
I WANT TO DO EVERYTHING THIS SUMMER!
I need to be still...listen.
Earnestly.
And remember....It's not about me.
1. PHONE CONVERSATIONS...
I was just thinking recently how it's been a long time since I've spent hours on the phone with a friend talking about anything and everything. I'd say the last time was probably in high school...well, maybe once or twice in university. But nowhere as frequent as in high school. I remember even falling asleep on the phone several times!
Anyway, I got to spend some phone-time with my very good friend Jeff last night. It was sooo much fun and reminded me a lot of when we used to talk in Waterloo as an excuse to procrastinate from studying...some things never change! *grin*
So take this as a hint people: I miss talking to you! I know majority of you are studying for exams but if ever you need an excuse to take a break...I'm still in school for another month =)
2. QUIZ TIME!
| Your dating personality profile: Religious - Faith matters to you. It is the foundation that you build your life upon. You trust that God has a plan for you. Athletic - Physical fitness is one of your priorities. You find the time to work athletic pursuits into your schedule. You enjoy being active. Big-Hearted - You are a kind and caring person. Your warmth is inviting, and your heart is a wellspring of love. | Your date match profile: Religious - You seek someone who is grounded in faith and who possesses religious values. You believe that a religious person can enhance your life. Traditional - You need someone who is a bit old-fashioned. A person with traditional values and beliefs will perfectly compliment your lifestyle. Adventurous - You are looking for someone who is willing to try new things and experience life to its fullest. You need a companion who encourages you to take risks and do exciting things. |
Your Top Ten Traits 1. Religious 2. Athletic 3. Big-Hearted 4. Wealthy/Ambitious 5. Liberal 6. Sensual 7. Traditional 8. Adventurous 9. Practical 10. Outgoing | Your Top Ten Match Traits 1. Religious 2. Traditional 3. Adventurous 4. Athletic 5. Big-Hearted 6. Practical 7. Outgoing 8. Conservative 9. Intellectual 10. Wealthy/Ambitious |
Take the Online Dating Personality Quiz at Dating Diversions
HAHAHA...See! This quiz PROVES that I am atheletic. All you people who laughed at me cuz we never won a softball game until I left for Chicago - what do you have to say now??? =P
GUARDING HEARTS
Again, I am torn with whether or not to blog. Often times, I wonder if some things should be broadcasted to everyone on the internet. But then again, I'm curious to hear your opinions and thoughts.
Is there a proper way to communicate? I usually talk to others; spend time with others. How do you spend time and care for others without having your intentions misunderstood? How do you ensure that you are not unintentionally and/or subconsciously leading someone on? Should you keep all relationships with the opposite sex on a superficial level? Should you never be in a one-on-one situation with the opposite sex? Does it cause opportunities for romantic longings to develop? I have to admit that I DO feel closer to someone after spending one-on-one time with them; getting to know who they are, without the pretense that often occurs when other people are around. But is this closeness even good? Is it honourable or is it fuel for improper and untimely wants? Do I just crave the attention and companionship? Is every one-on-one encounter considered a date? I looked up the definition of date: “a social arrangement between the opposite sex, usually of romantic interest”.
Does this mean that if there’s no romantic interest then the meeting’s not considered a date? How can you guarantee that there’s not even a twinge of romantic possibility from either party? You can’t. This leads back to the question I had on the purpose of dating on an old post (see Relationships). I thought all the reasons for dating our cell group had come up with should be evident in every relationship we had and not just with someone you’re dating. However, that post was speaking of dating in terms of being committed to one particular person for an undefined amount of time.
If we used the dictionary’s definition of dating, what’s the purpose of getting together then? This would mean that I’ve been dating this entire time even though it’s not with one particular individual! It also means that I’ve been dating friends who have girlfriends!! This is why the dictionary’s definition doesn’t sit well with me. Or maybe it doesn’t sit well with me because it would mean that I’d have to stop getting together one-on-one with some of my friends. Which makes me wonder why I feel the need to have one-on-ones anyway? Why can’t the conversations we have, also be in the presence of their significant others? It’s not as though we are speaking of anything inappropriate. Granted I know my friends better than I know their girlfriends and so would feel more comfortable sharing about parts of my life that I most likely wouldn’t share in front of their girlfriends. Perhaps this just means that I shouldn’t be sharing those particular details to these friends anymore. Perhaps it means that I am relying on these friendships for support when it’s not suitable. When, where and with whom is the support appropriate then? How do you guard someone's heart? How do you guard your own?
I've had these questions before and still haven't found a good answer. Comments anyone?
RANDOM TIDBITS...
-When using a ceiling fan: turn clockwise to save heat in the winter and turn counterclockwise to cool down in the summer.
-An optometrist can tell that you're Canadian just by the way you read the chart (ie. "Zed" instead of "Zee").
-Don't take Viagra. It terrible for the eyes. It's against the law for pilots.
-People bite their finger nails. Did you know that some people bite their toe nails?
-If I was a boy, I would look "sissy".
-I have orang-utan feet. Apparently my toes are like fingers and the bottom of my feet are red.
(This has no relation to the biting nails mentioned above).
MY BRAIN HURTS...
It's amazing how much you can learn in a day...it's also amazing how much you can forget in a day as soon as the test because over to make room for more info.
I have 4 tests and 3 assignments this coming week. It's going to be like this non-stop until mid-May.
This term is super crazy.
Thoughts to hold on to:
-it's do-able because others have done it before me
-what doesn't kill me makes me stronger
-my mind is the greatest gift given to me and should be used for total devotion
-I have been given a measure of faith
-He is sufficient for all my needs
-There is someone out there who is counting on me to know all this
-THIS IS WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR...LOVE IT!!!
Mental note:
Must stop eating (especially junk food) as a form of stress release...