UPDATE
Okay…so it’s been a while since I’ve lasted posted. It was pretty busy after coming back from Vancouver because I had to make up for the 2 days that I missed, not to mention the tests just keep coming as well. Since we had a long weekend, I’ve had some time to reflect on a lot of things and although not everything is clear yet, I’ll try to articulate some current musings:
1. Lent
Now that my 40 days are over, I can finally surf blogs again. Man…the comments are just priceless. My suitemates think that I’m going crazy cuz I’d be alone in my room but laughing up a storm. Did what I just say sound sad?
Any way, I just realized that you guys head off to Europe the day after I get back. =( Which means:
a) I won’t get a chance to see y’all until…who knows when I’ll be back next
b) you guys will have to have the goodbye dinner with my parents without me. Unless you want to get together on the 13th after I get off the plane (which will literally be a midnight snack since I arrive at 11:30pm)
So this whole no reading blogs thing worked out pretty well. I still have a ton to reading to catch up on; goodness…I’ve already spent 2 hours and there’s still so much more.
I DID get to use various forms of communication to find out what’s going in people’s lives. Phone was the most popular, followed by e-mail. Which completely took me by surprise since I usually try to avoid e-mailing. But I think it’s cuz I’ve been so busy with school. It seemed like each time I tried to go on, I couldn’t stay on long enough for a decent conversation. But yea to keeping promises!
2. Response to comments on Ivan’s blog
I believe you can choose who to love. When you look at love, what it represents; commitment, trust, patience, etc. you as an individual will have to choose to do these things. It will not come naturally all the time. I do not consider these things acceptance. If I did these things simply because I accepted them, then they would’ve be done out of duty. But love means that I do these things because I place the other person well-being ahead of my own desires. I think that’s why so many relationships in our generation don’t work out – because we’re all so busy thinking about ourselves.
Anyways, the ‘love’ that you can’t choose; I actually consider initial attraction. You’re either initially attracted to them or you’re not. But that initial attraction doesn’t last and that’s why some arranged marriages can actually grow into love. At least that’s what I’d like to think.
3. Ethics & Temptation
Ever borrowed someone’s homework to double-check answers? Copied a lab assignment? Asked upper years what questions are on tests/exams/boards?
I remember when I was preparing for the optometry interview at Waterloo, one of the questions that was often asked was what would you do if your classmate fudged lab results. I also remember laughing because it’s something that happened all the time in undergrad. When I first came to Chicago, I commented on how ethics was being stressed (see Aug. 18th). I guess I never really thought about it again or the reprercussions until recently.
Administration has been coming down hard on the first years because there’s been evidence of plagiarism/cheating/falsifying records whatever you want to call it. I’m not going to lie – I’ve cheated throughout my academic career ever since I was kid without morose. Looking back, it makes my skin crawl to think of the things that I have done…and also to question my own integrity. I’d say that only within the last 2-3 years have I really tried to be more conscious about my actions. And you’d think that things would get easier the less you do them but it’s not.
When someone presents you with last years’ answers to double-check your assignment or suggest working together on on-line quizzes, I feel like it’s a constant battle between what’s easy and what’s right. Sometimes I am able to resist the temptation and sometimes I fail. But my decisions have more implications now because of my future profession. Sure, sharing answers don't seem like such a big deal - we're encouraged to help our colleagues. But if you don't have the moral backbone, how can people trust what you write on the medical records after graduation? Argh. Now I feel like I need to 'fess up on all the awful things I've done since I was little. Feeling nauseous cuz there's so many.
4. That lovin’ feeling
I was just thinking about the guys in my life…the ones you feel as though you have a pretty good understanding of – those whom you’ve known all your life and those whom you’ve only known in past little while. It’s funny how your image of them can change in a split second by something that they say in passing about someone they care about in that ‘special’ way. It brings a smile to my face when I see my friends so happy…just slightly odd because you’ve also never seen them act this way before. I’m so glad that people are willing to share with me, especially when they’re males. It’s reassuring to me as a female to know that men will react to women in the way that we’ve always desired them to respond. All it takes is the right woman! =P
This isn't even half of it...more thoughts to come.
GRANDPAS
Saw grandpa today. Really could see that he loved grandma and treated her well although he’s not the type to show his emotions. No crying. But he caressed her cheek and chin as she laid there while he placed a rose between her hands and just before they closed the casket, he bent over to give her a kiss farewell. There’s something about seeing the simple acts of love of a man for his wife expressed by my 91 year old grandpa that just breaks my heart.
Honestly, after 60 some-odd years of marriage, how will he handle being alone?
He can’t remember any details like what we just ate and yet, when we bring him back to the nursing home, he remembers which way the double room is that they stayed in prior to my grandma passing away and where the single room is he has to stay in now. He also remembers what day she died and the exact time too. And they say that Alzheimer patients don’t have short-term memory. I don’t believe that he forgot for a single second that she’s gone.
He even asked us for 20 dollars for entertainment because he doesn’t know where grandma placed all their savings.
I’m trying to hold on to every minute detail that I can about our time together. How soft his hands are. And how cold they are unless I warm them in my own hands. How when I kissed his hand, he kissed mine back. How he kissed me on the cheek when I asked for it in return for the 20 dollars and how he giggled like a schoolboy afterwards.
How as we walked to the car holding hands, he said that we were on a date and how he commented on us being 2 couples when he saw my parents up ahead holding hands too.
I’m trying to burn into my memory a picture of how his face lights up when I give him a kiss on the cheek and all the advice that he was willing to impart to me.
Everyone’s concerned about him now that my grandma’s gone. I’d like to think of him as the fighter that he’s always been; that he’d surprise us all. But a part of me can’t help but wonder as I see his shoulder droop lower and his spirited personality becoming more subdued as we return him back to the nursing home. Will this be the last time I get to interact with him? I hope not. He’s the only grandpa I have left. I miss my other grandpa so much right now…hard to believe it’s already been more than 5 years.
YES, AGAIN...
"There is no growth without change; there is no change without fear or loss; and there is no loss without pain" ~Rick Warren
My grandma (Dad's mom) passed away today. Flying to Vancouver once details are settled. I feel as though I've already gone through this process of life-changing events but I am once more faced with the dilemma. It seems that just as I was beginning to settle down and get comfortable, I am nudged to move just a little bit more.
Once I start thinking about all the changes that have happened since January, I start to panic and begin to wonder how much more is up ahead; there's a part of me that wants to scream 'it's only March'. I must focus on God - what He has done in my life and what His promises are. Didn't I just learn yesterday that God will not allow things to happen to us that are more than we can bear? And that in every situation, He provides/IS the way to stand up from under it? Hold fast to that Vanessa.
THANKS!
Some of you just know me waay too well =P Just wanted to say thanks for all those words of support & encouragement on Haloscan, msn, e-mail and phone conversations...I am so fortunate and so loved. To answer you questions about what happens when I come back to visit(of course I will Jeff!), I really don't know. I know I'll still have a home the next time I'm back and then after that, it's all up in the air. I'll be in Chicago for the summer any way because I have school, clinic & boards. Attempting the first part of my license in 19 weeks and seeing my first patient in 9 weeks - yikes! Let the countdowns begin.
I'm trying to remind myself not to worry about the little details because those will take care of themselves. That the boards exam is just a test, that each thing I don't know in clinic is another learning experience and not knowing what happens in the future is all part of this exciting journey we call life.
Of course, I gaurantee that I'll forget all this & panic many times but that's where I'm counting on all of you to keep me going! *grin*
My parents are coming down to visit next weekend. I'm so excited to be able to spend a little more time with them before they leave. The bad part is that I'm already dreading the seemingly long upcoming week and it hasn't even started yet.
40 Days is a long time. This whole Lent thing is harder than I thought it would be. I feel so disconnected from everyone cuz I have no idea what's going on in people's lives without reading blogs. Isn't that awful? How hard is it for me to pick up the phone and give a quick call to ask? Or even to chat on msn? Okay, I still have another 20 days to work on this!
TIME TO DROP ANOTHER BOMB
Dear friends,
I have just received confirmation that my dad has been selected to be a liason officer in China; Beijing to be exact. The post is for 2 years but has a high probability of being extended to 4 years. They have decided not to sell our home at the moment but rent it out instead and are scheduled to leave by the end of May.
I've hinted at this in my previous posts but I know this may come as a shock for everyone, because as usual, life changing decisions are kept quiet in our family. We have been praying for guidance, patience and for God's will to be done these past 8 months and so for this to happen is of great excitement for my parents.
In this time of changes, please pray:
- that our family will trust our Lord in whatever paths He has set out for us. There will be many challenges up ahead (details to figure out and new environment to get accustomed to); that we may draw closer to God and to each other because of it all.
- for all our loved ones in Toronto. That they may experience peace through this transition; especially those that my mom works with.
- that my parents will be greatly used by God. They have been equipped and are now being sent out. Pray that His Name be glorified.
EYEBALL
It's the time of year again where we get all dolled up and have a night of eating/dancing. This was better than last year because 1) it was at the aquarium and 2) I had a date!
I was looking through my pictures today and realized that I had more pictures of fishes than I did of people...oops! =P But I'll post them anyways...
Here are the dolphins doing tricks where we had our cocktail hour & the awards ceremony:
Here's the beluga...kinda cute. I kept on singing "Baby beluga in the deep blue sea, swim so high & swim so free" until it breathed & spray hot air all over me. Guess it didn't like my singing.
Here's the asian side of the table - haha. Cass was my hot date for the night! If you look at the background, you will notice this huge circular tank. 
We had a great view for the entire meal: 
We even had a scuba diver who did a presentation during dinner. Too bad you couldn't really hear what he was saying through all the heavy underwater breathing. But he fed all the fishies...you can see that he has a canister full of food in his right hand here: 
I had to take a picture of the dessert. Mine was a chocolate mousse inside a thin mixed chocolate shaped as a seashell. How fitting for the evening!
At the end of the night, I took a centerpiece home. I heard that we could take the flowers but I'm actually not sure if I was allowed to take the vase too. I feel guilty not asking...but isn't this pretty?
WHAT’S NEW IN CHICAGO?
This has been a very relaxed week. I got to meet up with a few people for one-on-one quality chats and also got to spend time with friends. Most of all, got a lot of time to read and think. If only school was always like this! =P
I also got to go Blue Man group. It’s good but I had really high expectations because everyone hyped it up so much after seeing it last year. I think I would’ve been more enthused after the show if I went in not expecting anything. I can’t even really call it a show though; it’s more like ‘the Blue Man experience’ *laughs*. Go and then you’ll see what I mean. The seats we got were awesome – I got to sit in the front row, right smack in the center but I’m glad they provided ponchos for us to wear! I’d be interested to see it again somewhere else cuz I hear that they’re different depending on the city. I’m pretty sure they’re in Toronto too.
We had a private practice symposium on Friday which got me thinking again about my future. It’s always around this time of the year that my mind starts to skip ahead. I’m still debating whether to stay to do a year of residency after I graduate. I know I still have another year and half before I decide but after talking to one of the speakers, I definitely felt more of a tug in that direction. Hmm…will have to find more doctors to discuss and explore this area of possibility.
I also spoke to a few people to see if they were interested in hiring an international graduate. I’m not leaving Canada for good…I can already see Steph ready to say something! I was just putting it out there and trying to gauge the response. The commercial side is very open to sponsoring a visa but the private side seemed pretty hesitant, which I completely understand. It’d have to be a very match for them to be willing to go through all the paperwork and of course, I’d have to be very committed to staying in the States…which right now, is all up in the air.
I really don’t like schmoozing and networking but one of the people I spoke gave me such encouragement by telling me that I would be great with patients because of my personality. It gave me such hope that maybe I won’t be an absolutely terrible doctor after all.
I had so much fun yesterday. I met up with Kathy, Winston and Louis to paint Sharon’s apartment while she’s on vacation. It’s just great to have music playing, everyone talking and working towards accomplishing the same goal. And of course, being covered with paint and making a mess at the same time. I’m kind of excited to be at that stage of life where you do ‘adult’ things like fixing up a place of your own. But then it’s also very scary. I think I’ll just stick to enjoying where I am right at this moment… =)
P.S. I’m trying to avoid random surfing on the net as a part of Lent so I won’t be reading blogs but I’ll still post on my end. Hopefully I can keep updated about your lives through msn, e-mail & phone!
NEW QUARTER
A new start. What I love about the first day of class is that everyone's happy. There's an excited hum when you walk into the lecture centre and all your classmates are relaxed & energized to be back. I also love how I am always 100% focused on what the prof teaches. It's like every word actually makes perfect sense and sticks inside your head because there's nothing else cluttering it.
So because of the fire, my school decided to put plexiglass for rooms with broken windows to ensure our safety with all the weather changes. I was expecting them place it outside my window but I came back from Toronto to find this:
It's so ugly. I've lost my window ledge (ie. extra storage space) and my room is in perpetual darkness cuz I can't change the blinds. And if you notice the white speck on the ledge, it's a dirty swiffer. It's driving me nuts but I can't get it out cuz the plexiglass sealed it tight. Oh well, at least I'm warmer now!
I've been really enjoying spontaneous prayer the past couple of days. It's so nice to be able to come before God with fellow brothers and sisters & just revel in God's presence. I just hope that as this quarter continues, I don't lose the joy of this and sight of of how important it is.
FINALLY!
Finally, the winter quarter is over and I’m back home. Finally, things are starting to look up. Finally, I feel more like myself again. Finally, I’m posting! Finally.
Most of you think that I’ve dropped off the face of the earth…at least in the personal sense. This is because I’ve been dealing with a lot of different things and didn’t really feel comfortable seeing people; much less sharing.
I had mentioned in a previous post that I was going through some ‘growing pains’. I don’t know if I’ve grown any but I can definitely looking back on this period with gladness. I was at church last sunday and just overwhelmed to tears by how much God has been moving in my life this past little while – all I can do is be thankful.
Heh…tears. Had a lot of those too. I remember talking to Simon on the phone and I told him that I cried more in the past little while than I had in the past 5 years. He said it was impossible cuz that would mean that I was crying at that moment…and I was. I went through a period of depression/sadness/melancholy; whatever you want to call it. It was to the point where I was crying almost every other day and sometimes several times in one day.
I have my life organized into neat little compartments and it works well because I know exactly what’s going on. The walls of these little compartments started to fall apart and I was completely at a loss as to what to do – family, friends, school, class rep, church, etcetera…etcetera. There’s been a lot of changes that are on the go and I always prided myself in being able to handle things as they come…ahh pride.
So I mentioned changes and our family is one that’s been going through a lot lately. I’ve been trying to come to terms with things these past few months and one of them is learning how to let go of my parents. So often we say our parents need to let go of us; to let us be adults and make our own mistakes. But I realized that a part of me also holds on to my parents in that same manner. And so this has a period of trying to ‘grow up’ and let go…without detaching myself emotionally. That I can still love them, but I need to learn to show it in a different way.
So this quarter academically was the worst ever. Never mind Dean’s List…I got THREE letters in my mailbox notifying me that my grades were unsatisfactory halfway through the quarter. Pride. It hurt. Last year, I was struggling not put all my emphasis on marks. To not let ‘doing well’ in school define who I was. But I thought I was doing great in school, I thought I could handle it. Heck, that one of the reasons why I had gone for class rep.
Class rep. The responsibilities were more than I thought! It’s more than setting test & exam schedules. It’s more than listening to classmates’ complaints and doing something about it. It’s more than planning for our next year and improving the way for classes after us. It’s trying to convey & maintain that level of love and concern for 152 different people…and it felt like I was failing miserably in that department as well.
Also, when I signed on for class rep, I didn’t realize that it meant I was also part of the Student Association. I didn’t plan on partaking in different committees, coordinating school events and partaking in every single thing. *laughs* Don’t get me wrong. I’m enjoying every moment and I’m not asking for any changes or perks. I love the fact that I get to see a different side of the school. I love how much administration really tries to care for its students. I love the fact that I get e-mails every day with a new challenge and learning the problem-solve in the ‘proper’ manner. But I had expected and wanted to only serve my classmates and I realize now how selfish I was…that when you serve, you can’t pick & choose who to care about. I needed to serve the entire school…that’s what a community is all about.
Friends. With all that’s been going on in my life recently, this is the one compartment that I’m most disappointed in myself. Whenever I face tough times ahead, I go into hermit mode and clam up. I don’t share my thoughts or struggles. This happened with optometry interviews & choosing schools…and it happened again now. My mom was asking me how certain people were doing, and I am so ashamed to say that because I was so caught up in my own things, I never took the time to be concerned about them. I sit here and honestly have no clue what has happened in the past 2 months to those around me.
I had an awesome community back at home praying for me, and I don’t think I realized just how strong it was until I came back. As I was going through all this, I knew that God was answering my prayers and yet, at the same time I resented their concern and rejected their love.
So that’s pretty much sums up all that’s been going on. Thanks to all of you who made it through this entire post; you either really care or you’re really bored. I prefer to think it’s the former *grin*
As awful as it’s been…it’s also been the best in the sense that I knew that God was at work even though I was frustrated with how things were progressing. It was a time of refinement and He reminded me through His Word again & again just so that I wouldn’t forget. So I’ll leave you with that passage:
“May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.” ~1 Thess 5:23
Hey everyone. I know I said I would update but things have been seriously nuts this past little while. I would love to let you know exactly want's been going on in my life but it would take too long & unfortunately, I really can't spare the time (not that I don't value you guys...I just type too slow)
I've been going through what my mom calls "growing pains". I know that I will look back on this period in a few months time and just see how much I'm being stretched but at the moment, I feel as though I'm just trying to survive. I appreciate your concern and praise God for continuing to use others to support, challenge & care for me when I needed it most.
I probably won't be able blog for a while (but never say never cuz knowing what's ahead...I probably need to vent some). Can't wait to see you all after I get through these next few weeks!
Much love,
~Vaness