THE SIMPLE LIFE

I love lazy mornings such as this. I have a final exam tomorrow that I haven’t started studying for – big surprise. But that’s not even close to the top of my thoughts this morning. I woke up @ 6:30 for a morning call then went back to bed. Woke up again @ 8:30 but just lounged in bed until 9:30 reading blogs and contemplating. Got out of bed to dust/vacuumed my room. (As a side note, long hair is nice and all but I shed as much as a dog – how gross!) Had a nice long shower and I’ve just been sitting at my desk slowly organizing things.

There’s something about being is a bath robe during the day that’s so…comforting. I guess that’s why ladies are always wearing bath robes sitting around and chatting at spas. It gives the feeling of having the luxury of time. If I drank coffee regularly I would so have one right now and just enjoy this moment. The cleaning of my room also give me a feeling of accomplishing something and now that the entire apartment’s clean, I’m even more relaxed. *closes eyes & sighs* What a wonderful way to start off the day.

Goodness! I was listening to the radio today while studying and heard some old R&B songs from when I was in elementary/high school. I looked up the lyrics cuz I liked the songs and wanted to sing along only to be completely shocked - I never realized how graphic the words really were! Now I’m not saying I wasn’t sheltered but it’s still kind of crazy what we’re exposed to as kids. But then a part of me wonders if I would’ve comprehended half the stuff they were alluding to even if I knew the words. I probably would’ve taken things at face value. But that’s even more disturbing…to picture little kids singing and dancing along to very explicit lyrics thinking they meant something completely different.

I really don’t like Xanga. I don’t like the fact that you can have locks so only ppl who have Xanga can read it. And I don’t like how you can choose who you want to view your entries. How am I supposed to stalk people??? Seriously! I know it’s been a while since I’ve surfed blogs but I am suddenly sad because there are so many pages that I can no longer access. There are only a few women whose entries will challenged and encouraged me by how they live their daily lives and to be locked out because I don’t know them personally is a total bummer. But I am glad for the impact that they’ve had on my life and hope that they will continue to do the same with people who actually know them. Livejournal doesn’t have locks right?

Was chatting with Jeff online last night and he suggested something to me. It’s not even that big of a deal – small, casual, and easy to do. At first, I brushed it off, but the more I think about it…the more I find that it’s actually a bigger deal to me than I originally thought. To go forward with this is confronting a lot of my fears. I don’t know if I am ready for it yet. And the fact that I can’t do it right away confirms that I have all these thoughts that I never even realized I had. So now I am hearing a voice in the back of my head saying, “And you thought you were ready for that?!! You can’t even do this yet! What's the rush? Enjoy this. Just take your time and TRUST ME”. *Deep sigh* Still such a long way to go…but so relieved I am not doing it alone.

Hmm…Got my first final tomorrow and I haven’t really started studying. This is not good. I slept in until 12:30 today and now I’m blogging as a means to delay studying. Having a hard time focusing.

But I forgot to tell you guys my final externship assignment. So here’s my schedule for next year:

Summer: Rapid City, South Dakota
Fall: Detroit, Michigan
Winter: West Haven, Connecticut
Spring: Chicago, Illinois

I am soo psyched about this! It’s exactly what I wanted – perhaps even better than Seattle. (Sorry Sam, there was no way I was going to get it cuz my classmate who set up the site got priority for summer. Guess that means you’re going to have to save that ride on your motorcycle for another time).

I was looking up Rapid City and it sounds like the perfect time to be there is in the summer. It’s close to Mount Rushmore and all these different national parks. Now I know I’m not super out-doorsy but maybe it’ll change if I live out there for a while. Either way, I know I can definitely appreciate the beauty of nature.

Detroit – yeah, I’m so excited to be close to everyone. I’m not planning to live in Detroit (so Cam, hopefully I’ll stay alive *grin*); more likely finding a place to stay in Windsor and than just crossing the border to work every day. That what a lot of the previous students did – most ppl who take the Detroit site are Canadian any way. Besides, didn’t you guys say there’s a great outlet mall around? *wink* Perfect excuse! It’ll be great since I’ll actually get to be around for Thanksgiving next year! And I can come back and see everyone more often too. Although now that most people are working, I wonder how often we’d actually get together. Either way, at least I’m closer than ever.

I don't know what West Haven would be like in the winter but I don't particularly care about the city itself because site is at a blind institute and I'm really looking forward to going there for low vision. Apparently you can learn Braille too if you want!

The best part about all this is that all these sites sound like they are amazing learning opportunities. All the student feedbacks have been great – from what you get to see to what the preceptors are willing to teach and I’m eager to find out all the things that I can gain from all of this. The crazy part will be moving every 3 months. I’ve never done the co-op thing so I think it’ll be hard to just start to get settled in and than needing to move again. But it’ll definitely be an experience.

The hard part is enjoying where I am right now. I do…but I don’t think nearly enough. I can’t believe that I’m already halfway done 3rd year. Only 2 more quarters left and we’re all pretty much going our separate ways until graduation. I keep reminding myself to just sit back and enjoy this moment, that I’m not going to have it again: the school atmosphere, the camaraderie, the sleeping in whenever I want.

I was just commenting last night how thankful I need to be because there is absolutely nothing I should ever complain about. I have a roof over my head, a warm bed, plenty of food, a wonderful family, awesome friends and a great education. I’ve never lacked anything. There is no reason to ever be sad, angry or upset. I know I’ve never done or can do anything to deserve it. It’s just been given to me. Just like it’s been given to all of us. How blessed are we! How many people can say that? And how many are completely satisfied, filled with joy and peace? You alone satisfy. You alone are enough.

I received an e-mail from a friend in response to my last blog. I just thought I'd post my reply...hope you don't mind since I forgot to ask permission but I didn't include any names just in case. Let me know and I'll take this down.



Thanks for your e-mail, it's a nice change from the masses of junk mail =)

I know you probably won’t agree with me but just the fact that you’re wondering…I believe it’s a ‘God nudge’. You may believe that these thoughts are purely your own. That you’re not trying to seek God in any way. That you’re questioning for completely different motives. You may be asking simply to have a good discussion. Which is cool and I enjoy it immensely. But I believe that our God’s placed these questions on your heart, that they’re not just from you alone. And I believe that He’s surrounded you with the specific friends that you have so that you can ask questions and hopefully see Him at work in their lives.

I don't think I can explain in any different terms so that you could better comprehend because it's like you said, it’s one of those things no one can really explain. That's why I said I wish you could experience it for yourself. It's like...'the wind.' I'm stealing this analogy from the movie A Walk to Remember (great girly movie btw, bawled my eyes out).

You can't see 'wind' in and of itself but:
-you know it's there through the things it affects (ie. waves rising in hurricanes, dust & dirt swirling in tornados)
-you can definitely feel it (ie. on your skin, in your hair)
-and its power cannot be denied. Sometimes the power can be wonderful (as in the case with windmills and sailboats) and sometimes its power can be devastating (ie. trees bending and houses collapsing).


As a woman of science, did the scientific questioning part of you not speak up during your revelations about God?

Heck yeah! Of course…I think it’s in our nature to question things, especially in an age where we’re taught that everything must be supported by scientific proof. I had crazy amount of questions.
-How did they know that the Bible wasn’t just a bunch of guys making up stories?
-How did they know that Jesus wasn’t made up as well? Did He even really exist?
-How do they know that Jesus was God?

It went on and on! And I’ve spoken to other ppl who are from a science background (optometry, nursing, etc.) and we were very similar in that we wanted cold hard facts…no emotional, feel-y stuff involved.

At that time, someone recommended that I read Case for Christ by Lee Strobel. It’s funny now in retrospect cuz I remember arguing with the book while reading it. But I liked how the author introduced scientific evidence and arguments similar to a murder trial. And since I enjoy reading suspense/mystery novels, I found this book to be an easy read.

I don’t know if this has to do with anything but all the people I’ve known who’ve read this book happen to be women. If you believe that men and women have different logic *grin* then perhaps I Don’t Have Enough Faith To Be An Atheist by Norman Geisler would be a better choice. I haven’t read it yet but there’s a guy in my class who was seeking and recommends it so maybe I will. But if you’re interested in the 1st book, you can borrow mine the next time I see you – just let me know.


Secondly, how do you reconcile your science training with matters of faith?

As I see it, there’s nothing to reconcile. If anything, my science training just further supports my faith! *Warning, I’m going to be a geek here*

Have you ever actually sat back and thought about what you’re learning? I don’t do it too often cuz I’m too busy trying to memorize all the info but sometimes I like to think about my molecular biology course from undergrad. How we learn about transcription factors, silencers and repressor genes, etc (not that I remember much). But all these proteins, they’re like little machines – they each have their own job to do. If something goes wrong, they can usually fix it unless it’s really bad. And we know (or at least we think we do) all this stuff about these little guys - how to manipulate them, how to delete/suppress them, or in some cases maybe even multiply them.

And they’re so tiny!!! Have you ever thought about how tiny they are? Yes we can break them down into chemicals, and even further into atoms. And somehow they combine together to form proteins and are found working on DNA, in the form of chromosomes, which is inside the nucleus (think of how many other things are inside the nucleus), which is inside a cell (think of how many other things are inside the cell), which makes up a tissue, and forms an organ, found in our body. That's how tiny we’re talking about. I mean think about replication and all the little proteins involved in that – polymerases, helicases, etc. I simply CANNOT believe that all this was evolution. That all these proteins somehow suddenly up and decided one day that they had a certain job to do. There HAS to be a higher power that planned such intricacies; there’s too much detail involved to be explained away by chance alone.

And think about it, that’s only one organ we’re talking about. Somehow all the organs in our bodies can communicate with each other and somehow we can move and form thoughts and experience emotions…and communicate! I am typing this out and you understand the words that you’re reading. All because of a bunch of chemical reactions and electric impulses…How amazing is that?!! How can you even wrap your mind around that?

If you think about how much we know about science…all the knowledge, all the theories that we’ve accumulated over the years, you’d realize that we’ve barely scratched the surface. Ask any scientist or any professional in a science-related field and you’d find that the reason we’re in this area of study is because there’s always something new and exciting to discover – to learn. It never ends. And there will always be more unanswered questions. Questions that I think can only be answered when we believe. Science and faith go hand in hand, one doesn’t need to be sacrificed for the other…they’re both yearning to discover the truth and I believe they ultimately lead to the same answer.


I love this passage in Job 38 because it acknowledges who God really is through nature:

Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation?
Tell me, if you understand.
Who marked off its dimensions?
Surely you know!
Who stretched a measuring line across it?
On what were it's footings set,
or who laid its cornerstone -
while the morning starts sang together
and all the angels shouted for joy?

Who shut up the sea behind doors
when it burst forth from the womb,
when I made the clouds its garment
and wrapped it in thick darkness,
when I fixed limits for it
and set its doors and bars in place,
when I said, 'This far you may come and no farther;
here is where your proud waves halt'?

It continues on and shows how God's hand is in everything. To read the whole passage go here. As always, comments (or e-mails) are more than welcome. 2 more weeks until Hong Kong!

P.S. Thanks everyone for the cards, phone calls & e-mails. This was the best birthday ever in so many ways. I can't believe how incredibly loved I am...thank you God.

"What drove you to seek God in the first place?"


Who is Jesus? Who is this guy that everyone claims to know and love? Do you ever wonder about that?

It’s funny that you should ask me this question Gary. If you asked me now, I can look back and say that God was drawing me close to him. But at the time, I wouldn’t say that. At the time, it just felt like something wasn’t right.

I don’t even know when I first wanted to seek God. I remember going with Simon to his church fellowship in the summer going into 3rd year of Waterloo. But apparently I had a conversation with Louis during 2nd year where I said I wanted to know more about God. So who knows. I don’t think there was ever an exact moment – at least not for me there wasn’t.

Instead, I believe we get these inklings which I’ll call ‘God nudges’. They’re just split second moments where you wonder. I’ve been getting them all my life but ignoring them most of the time. I distinctly recall a vivid nudge in elementary school when I asked Simon why he didn’t go for confession and communion like everyone else in our class. He gave his answer and I had a ‘God nudge’ to dig deeper, to try to understand what he believed. But I chose to ignore it. This deliberate ignoring continued most of the time until 2nd year of university. I can see now that God surrounded me with many different people – family, friends, random acquaintances – and used them to give me a little nudges.

-Sometimes it was because they did something differently from me.
Why did they think going to church was such a big deal? And it wasn’t even that they physically just needed to be in the building – they actually wanted to go! I found that a little weird, don’t you?

-Sometimes it was the way they saw things.
What is this Bible, this book, that you hold to be Truth? And what do you mean guys and girls are meant to be different because that’s the way God made us?

-But most of the time, the nudges came because of the way they acted.
I witnessed and experienced things that man cannot do by their own power alone. I watched my parents’ marriage blossom into this amazingly loving and open relationship when they invited God into their lives and the marriage was no longer about themselves. I’ve experienced selfless giving time and time again from people who didn’t have any other agenda (they weren’t trying to ‘convert’ me), they had nothing to prove to anyone (especially me) and acted only because the Spirit was moving in them.

And I wish you could see and experience all these things for yourself. Because there’s no words to describe it. When you really encounter God, it’s life-changing. There’s no way around it. He convicts you. He moves you. And things are never quite the same again. Life isn’t picture-perfect. And you don’t become perfect when you accept Jesus. Y’all know me and you can definitely attest to the fact that I’m far from perfect! If anything, you just become increasingly aware of how much more you need HIM in your life.

I don’t know everyone who reads this blog, nor do I know your background. But here’s a challenge for you:
Ever actually opened up the Bible and read from it? (And it doesn’t count when it’s read to you from the pulpit!)

If not, I recommend you try it. You’d be amazed at what God’s Word can do to convict you. At least, that’s what happened to me. Of course, I had to borrow someone else’s cuz it’s not like I had one lying around back then. But I’m sure we all know at least one person who owns a Bible.

Secondly:
Do you know Jesus – who He is and what He stood for?

Sad to say that even though I was brought up in the Catholic school system, I couldn’t ever answer this question. And only when I honestly prayed to know more about Jesus, did I realize that He was already answering my prayers. If you even have the slightest curiosity to know, then pray to God and tell Him!

“You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart” ~ Jeremiah 29:13
That’s God’s promise to us.

I don’t know what you were expecting when you asked that question, but I hope this response answered it. If not, feel free to shot off more specific questions or just give me a call. That goes for all of you too. =)

Helpful eye tip #146: Don't rinse your eye with urine (yours or other people's). You could give yourself gonorrhea.

Whew! Finally a chance to blog. These past few weeks have been crazy hectic since it’s the start of a new quarter. Here’s what I have been up to:

-Organizing the equipment fair
The 3rd years usually put on a mini-expo for the 1st & 2nd years since they’re required to purchase equipment. This is their chance to play around with ours, and ask us questions. Sounds simple enough but when you only find out the day before that the sales reps are coming & the ‘little ones’ are totally clueless; we had to do our best to make sure they weren’t overwhelmed and making sound decisions. I think we could’ve done a better job but the miscommunication between the school & our class is something to work on.

-Student Association Club Blindspot
Organized by the Student Association (hereon in referred to as SA). I like to think of our school as a high school but more professional. =D SA is pretty much like the student council. We put club blindspot at the beginning of each school year to everyone know all the extra-curricular activities they could be involved in. Free pizza & adult beverages are found as well. Not much responsibility on my part other than chatting to students & handing out pizza.

-Research project/Case report
We have our 3rd year project that’s due next May. An article assignment and the proposal were both due at the beginning of Sept. Not that she didn’t inform us at the beginning of summer, but of course I procrastinated – especially with studying for Boards. I was originally going to do research with 2 of my classmates but 3 days before the assignment was due, things didn’t quite work out. Talk about a panic attack! You don’t just try to plan a research, find a faculty advisor and write a proposal in just 3 days. Ended up scraping the research idea & I’m just going to do case report instead. I’m slightly disappointed cuz I’ve never done research but I doubt I’m a good research person either. I like interacting with people too much to be doing research – that’s my opinion anyway.

-SA Golf Outing
As class rep, it is expected that I attend & participate enthusiastically at all school events *grin* As you can imagine, I don’t play golf. I find it to be one of the most boring games in the world. But I had fun at the outing! I didn’t play, just helped out with registration but I got to chat with everyone as they were coming in at the halfway mark and learned how to tally scores. So (-)’s are a good thing! The best part was observing behaviours of the male species. All the older men would place their golf bags outside, come into the clubhouse, grab a beer or two, have a seat in front of the football game and just chat. Quite interesting to overhear conversations too, my favourite quote being: “It’s a fact, men go to play golf to get away from their wives”

-Work
Did I mention that I work on campus? Mondays I give tours for applicants here for an interview. Wednesdays I work with an ophthalmologist in Advanced Care. I’m also an open-lab tutor for optometry and course tutor for pretty much all the 1st and 2nd years classes. The hours are flexible but fairly consistent throughout the week. I love each one of my jobs even though they’re all different. I really like this school so any time I can share that with people, especially people thinking about coming here, I get excited. Working with the ophthalmologist is great cuz I get to see & learn all these things in a clinical setting. Tutoring is fun because I enjoy teaching and it’s such a reinforcement when you see the light-bulb go off in their heads. Plus it’s a great way to build relationships and care about others.

-SA Casino Night
Fundraising for scholarships to give back to students. If you have chips at the end of the night, you can exchange them for raffle tickets to win some awesome prizes. But since I’m on SA, I wasn’t allowed to be in the raffle. Boo…cuz they had a lot of tech stuff like IPOD, Digi-cam, TV, PS2, DVD player, etc. Oh well, I think I would’ve lost everything any ways. I tried to play High/Low but lost “$500” and was just starting to learn how to play Texas Hold ‘Em when it was time for me to leave. Good times of food & mingling though. One thing that was interesting was this one person who kept on coming back for more buy-ins. We finally had to cut them off when they spent $50. It’s great that all their money’s going for a good cause but scary that we actually had to cut people off. I hope it’s just cuz they had too much to drink and not because they might actually have a gambling problem.

-Externships
This has been the bane of my existence for the past little while. As 3rd years, we are in the process of choosing where will be for our rotations in our 4th year. It’s taxing on the entire class and for us in particular because there’s always going to be people who aren’t pleased with what they got and think that the system is flawed. I agree that it’s not perfect but unless you have a suggestion for improvement, all I can offer you is a sympathetic ear. Does that sound harsh & uncaring? I want to do my best to help everyone but we still need to be fair.

Any way, here’s what 've I got at this moment:

Summer: Rapid City, South Dakota
Fall: West Haven, Connecticut
Winter: Hampton, Virginia
Spring: Chicago, Illinois

We have our Scramble Night tonight after class so hopefully things will run smoothly, and everybody will be happy in the end. But those us regulating the evening is preparing for the worse =P.

I’ve been battling with God about Externships in particular because I really wanted to go Everett, Washington in the Summer and Detroit, Michigan in the Fall. I was pleased when I first heard my selections yesterday (excited even) because they were my 2nd choices but as the night went on, I kept wanting my 1st choice instead. Isn't that typical of us as humans to always want more? All I can do is my best and leave it up to Him. I just wish the carrot won’t dangle in front of me like so. It’s frustrating but I know it’s here because I haven’t fully surrendered it.

Mom made an interesting observation. My 1st choices were based on visiting people but my 2nd choices were based on the actual quality of the site. Perhaps this is to show me how my perspective is not where it should be? Part of me wants to just let things be, to just be satisfied with what I have right now and another part wants to fight tooth-and-nail to get what I want.

That’s about all.

P.S.
Gary, I will respond to your comment, I promise. I’m just trying to figure out how much I want to share on the blog. Half of me doesn’t want to be completely open, not knowing how much is really necessary/beneficial (particularly in this case) and half of me is wondering if it’s just pride that’s holding me back. Why is it so hard to be completely honest and vulnerable? Still struggling with same thoughts as I did back then – fears of judgement. Use me Lord.

...and I PASSED!!!

All by the grace of God though cuz it's was a rough exam. So many thanks to the Big Guy upstairs. Also thanks to all of you for your support & encouraging words. It means the world to me =)

Now onward to Parts 2 & 3. And of course, the dreaded Canadian Boards after I graduate - I hear it's a hundred times worse then the American version, especially since it spans 5 days or something like that. But one thing at a time. I invite you to join me in giving thanks for this moment!!

"Come, let us sing for joy to the Lord;
let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation.
Let us come before him with thanksgiving
and extol him with music and song.

For the Lord is the great God;
the great King above all gods.
In his hand are the depths of the earth,
and the mountain peaks belong to him.
The sea is his, for he made it,
and his hands formed the dry land.

Come, let us bown down in worship,
let us kneel before the Lord our Maker;
for he is our God
and we are the people of his pasture,
the flock under his care.

Today, if you hear his voice,
do not harden your hearts..." ~ Psalm 95:1-8

Here's an old unfinished post - I didn't have time to complete my entire thought so it just kinda stops but just so you have something to read & this place looks like it's updated =P

Whoohoo! What an amazing 2 weeks. I went to Beijing for a week and it was a good time. Don’t ask me about the Great Wall or the Forbidden City; I never went to any tourist attractions. However, I DID get to spend a ton of time with my grandma, my aunt and my uncle. Also some time with my parents but not as much as I would’ve liked.

Their lifestyle in Beijing is very different from what I am used to and to be honest, I’m not quite sure how I feel about it. To sum it all up in one word – extravagant. The apartment is huge, especially for 2-3 people. There is an Ah-Yi who does all the cooking and cleaning. It was weird just putting dishes in the sink and not needing to wash them. The new BMW isn’t registered yet so we traveled by taxi almost all the time. I got massages the first 2 nights that I was there. The guy actually came to our place and worked 2 hrs on me and 2 hrs on my dad. He got paid $8/hr (Can./Amer.) You getting the picture? I guess I just felt guilty for eating at all these fancy restaurants and going to all these beautiful places paying much less than I normally would for the same level of I was here.

Wowie…it’s been almost a month since I last posted. Sorry to disappoint; but with boards, I kind of went into hiding. And of course, afterwards I went into recovery =P
Boards…are over. I don’t know if I have to do them again but if I do, I think I’m okay with it. At least, I’m okay with the idea at this moment. I keep telling myself it’ll be another practice for the Canadian boards. I’ll still probably be bummed out when I get the scores back though. We’ll see, it’s over so there’s no sense thinking more about it.

This past week has been awesome. I’ve been completely lazy and enjoying all my free time without feeling the least bit guilty! Such a wonderful feeling =) Went out with my classmates to celebrate the end of boards and then slept all day afterwards. Literally – I added it all up and it was 23 hrs of sleeping within 2 days. So sweet.

Melissa and I also decorated our living room. It no longer looks like a guy’s apartment but is actually quite welcoming if I say so myself. We spent a good chunk of time in IKEA. Weird cuz they didn’t get IKEA around here until pretty recently so it’s considered a “cool” thing to do. Funny what we take for granted growing up huh?

I also spent an afternoon at the park, lying on a blanket and just reading. It was so wonderful to be out, enjoying the sun. All those thoughts I had during my studying when I wished I had more time to contemplate and think through…yeah, don’t know where they all went. I think they only come when I really want to procrastinate, which is sad cuz I think up some pretty crazy things that I would love to have responses to. Oh well, there’s always fall quarter!

Going to Beijing tomorrow. Haven’t started packing yet but I’m not really worried since I think I’m taking an empty suitecase with me. I’m planning to wear all my mom’s clothes while I’m there (possibly steal some items back too) and I don’t need to bring any toiletries. So pretty much, I’m only bringing shoes (cuz my mom has tiny feet) and whatever I’m wearing to the airport. Oh…and books. With this new bomb scare, I’m probably gonna be stuck at the airport for hrs.

Any ways, that’s the update for now. Talk to y’all when I get back! *huggs*

These past few weeks, I’ve been thinking about this whole leadership thing. How I was getting frustrated with our inability to communicate with our classmates. We make announcements, but few people are actually present during lectures because of studying for boards. We send out e-mails, but not everyone checks or cleans out their inbox so our messages get bounced. Then people hunt us down and ask us the questions that could have very well been answered had they been in class, put some effort to check their e-mail or bothered to ensure that the school’s official means of contacting them are kept open.

I guess I got to a point where my responsibilities were starting to become a drain instead of a joy. I, in my selfishness, believed that I was entitled to certain conveniences…and had already ‘put my time in’ so to speak.

But then I remembered the reason behind taking this position – the step of faith that was required of me. I am to be a servant. And to do it in as loving of a manner as I am created to express.

I had forgotten the desire I had when I initially started: I wanted to love my classmates and to show them that I care. To serve them. And in this case, it means making their lives as easy and stress-free as possible. Heck, that's the very definition of a servant!! So what if I get asked the same question several times? It doesn’t take that much more effort on my part and they get a response immediately.

Still so much to learn. Be patient with me.